Chapter 37. Second tell

More truth is revealed: a second tell of infidelity occurs on August 19, 1999. 

I vomit my heartache into my journal.

Thurs eve, August 19, 1999

Oh God, here we go again.

Familiar ground.

Some initial numbness from shock.

Knowing that all the emotion will come trickling, sometimes gushing, in over the next many days. 

Grueling memory-by-memory.

Anger and horror.

All the deceit! He’s been living a lie for four long years, while most of the time much of his energy has had to be invested in maintaining the lie rather than in investing in our relationship and family.

Hurt. Hurt so hard that I feel my heart will break, my limbs collapse, my body wilt.

Hatred – alternating and combined with love…so confusing – how could I feel both so intensely?

It’s more familiar now. I don’t feel quite so crazy. I have some understanding that it’s because I’ve loved and trusted him that I feel such hatred now for his betrayal and disregard.

For Allure – I feel almost all hatred, spilling out. I so desire to go to her door and say a few words:

Allure, you have acted incredibly wickedly. It is inexcusable. Someday God will empower me to extend His forgiveness for you. But for now – I want you to know that I will fight harder for my family.

That if I find out that you’ve contacted Gregg again I will make your life even more miserable. 

I will tell your husband and friends what you haven’t – what you haven’t even admitted to yourself – that you never gave up on pursuing Gregg, that there is so much deceit in your heart that it is hurtfully and painfully black, that there is something so broken in you… you desperately need to move toward god. 

You are that tornado that I graciously tried to quell your fears about. 

You need help. 

Get counseling. 

Your cover of manipulation and lies needs to be yanked away. You could lose everything – including your girls, your reputation (what’s left of it), and possessions. You have been lying and cheating over four long years! (that I know of – who knows before that?).

Gregg tries to reassure me that this time is different.

I want to believe that – but it all sounds the same. He says, “I want to be here for you if you’ll have me.”

Heard it before. 

“I was a fool. I’m sorry. I want you. You’re beautiful.”   

Heard that before too.

I told him that I want him to keep trying to reassure me (don’t stop saying those positive words) but understand when my eyes stay dull, that behind that dullness is heavy doubt and disbelief. That it will be some time before he has my trust again. 

I told him too that this time he can expect to hear me ask some questions more than once. So I don’t want him to resent it as before when I’d ask the same question in different ways of ‘Do you love me?’

Tell me again how this time is different than last time (January 98)? Actually, we’ve kind of been through this 2 x before (first time Oct 95).

Recap:

Spring ’95 – flirting

August ’95 – first kiss; email exchanges, phone calls

Late August or early September ‘95 – first intercourse

January ’98 – first admission of affair

Aug 21, 1999

From Gregg to me: 

“Dee this exchange took place today, after Allure emailed me and I told her not to mail or call.

      >I don't trust myself or you so I have given D. access to my e-mail to try and keep me honest.

Allure’s response - There are a couple of big errors in your thinking. What happens if I write to your regular account? And why do you think I wouldn't? I've got nothing to lose anymore, and I really don't care.

Allure’s next response - Never mind. I'm just hurt and angry. The sooner I put you out of my heart and out of my life the better off we'll both be. Don't worry--I won't write again. And I still love you. I can't stand not saying that at the end.

-----

My message to Allure - same day

“Gregg sent me this message and the other one where you said you didn't care what he wanted - you've nothing to lose anymore. Thanks for coming to your senses, momentarily at least, and realizing that you'll both be better off if you put Gregg out of your heart forever.

I do hope you really mean that you won't write or call him again. Gregg came clean (again) on Thursday eve - as you can imagine I'm shocked and angry and hurt, but this time I'm at a different place with God, and I know that I'm going to be just fine - with or without Gregg. If Gregg chooses to 'mess up' again - there will be no more chances, and he will lose me and the kids, and it would break his tender heart. You aren't really that ruthless to cause him to lose it all, are you?

I really didn't expect this of either of you - I thought you had more in you. I not only can no longer call you my friend, but now I must consider you my enemy.

Allure, there has got to be some really deep brokenness in you (and Gregg too - he's acknowledging that and wants to get help and we will pursue that together) - I pray that you'll attend to that crud in you that contributes to the incredible deceitfulness that you are living. You have behaved so wickedly.

I am presently not intending to pass along this second long infidelity to others (except Jan & Tom, who have become dear friends, with Jan being the kind of girlfriend I have longed for who is truly excited about spiritual things, sensitive to the Holy Spirit with a pure heart, passing along to me words of knowledge as God speaks them to her, being so excited about all that God is doing in me, truly caring and communicating her deep concern for me and us, a kindred spirit. 

And Gregg intends to talk with Roger and Deb - Roger having a true pastor/shepherd's heart who can communicate God's love in a number of ways has drawn Gregg back towards God).

But Allure, if I find out that you try to contact Gregg again, I will blow the whistle and your life may become even more miserable than it already is - I'll tell your support network the whole truth and all the sick details, and no longer will they be offering the very same support, as it's been all based on lies, lies, and more lies.

Allure, it's been over 4 years now - I'm really sick of it and am so glad that finally Gregg and I can rebuild. Do pray that God will help me keep my mouth shut, unless it's really His desire that I share with more people, and unless it's what He'll use to remove your cover of manipulation and lies, and finally work some purity in your life.

It's all over -

Leaving you in God's care,

Dee

August 21, 1999 (same day)

From Gregg: 

“I wanted to have some mail from me to you other than the forwards from Allure.

I want you to know how much I admire you in all of this. I haven't idolized you as we have both been prone to do in the past. But I have gotten a "new" picture of God in your response to me and my flaws. I see that not only can He love me in all of this, His people who are flawed as well can also extend themselves in love to show His love. 

I do love you and am excited about the freedom that we will have together and in Him. I'm also excited about the effect it will have on our home. I know Tom said that the man is the rock of the house. But in the past you have had to carry that in our home and you've done an admirable job of it. 

I want to be more of what God wants me to be and with His and your grace I think He will work it out. I also believe that we can pray that it will not only have an effect on the kids that are still there but that it will also have a retroactive effect on Seth.

I long to be pure and devoted to only you. Thanks for loving me enough to hold me accountable in my actions. I do love only you and I think Jan is right, what I felt as love for her was probably more a caring for her and where she is in her life.  It made sense to me when Jan talked about people who are relational having sincere attitudes in dealings with others in opposing relationships.

In any case, I love you, truly love you and believe that God has joined us together for a reason. One of them being that we can benefit from each other. I don't want to miss out on any more of the good that He has in you for me.

You husband, and lover.  Gregg

P.S.  I loved being with you this morning.

Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.

-Ellen DeGeneres, comedian

Back into counseling. Thursday afternoon, August 26, Maureen observes that Gregg seems vulnerable to being controlled, has been quite passive, and is also possess-able. The compulsions or passivity came like a hypnotic trance. This inability to get out, a powerlessness, may be indicative of childhood sexual abuse. It seems like, with the porn and adultery, he was after affirmation. The fantasy of porn extended beyond those moments to infidelity physically.

She suggests to me that he never intended to change his reality and leave his family.