Chapter 55. Let go

“My brokenness is a better bridge for people than my pretend wholeness ever was.”

– Sheila Walsh

There can always be a new beginning. A newer way of being for me is to embrace my brokenness and be willing to let go -

-of my need to keep striving towards what is perfect or right; rather the invitation is to allow a serene acceptance of this moment and this human person that is me.

Life is not about being correct but about being connected.

-of my need to judge. Though I still believe discernment is good and there are some things that are helpful rather than harmful – I may not always be called to or able to determine just what is what; rather I can allow Goodness within (might label that Spirit/Divine?) to discern what is finally good, and thus more easily relate to and encourage the other, and to accept and even mirror goodness in another.

“Good people will mirror goodness in us – which is why we love them so much.”

- St. Clare of Assissi

St. Clare also said, 

“Let the Light mirror you.” 

“Look upon the mirror [of perfect love] each day.”

There is more willingness in me to want to love, and to let go of striving and judging. 

Or I’m just weary, and don’t have the energy to strive and judge so much anymore. 

It's probably some of both: truly I am letting go, and truly I am tired.

We remodel part of our house during 2014-2015. It’s a big effort, with much of the sweat equity coming from Gregg and me and a bit of help from our kids. We hire out the big jobs of digging basement, laying block, pouring basement floor concrete, framing walls and installing windows of front porch, plumbing for the new bathroom, sheetrocking and mudding the new walls – that sounds like a lot that others did, but there’s still so much for us to do!

Rebekah and Zachary Sapato set a wedding date of August 1, 2015 and we push hard to get the house and yard ready for a backyard ceremony. 

The wedding happens on a beautiful day – blue skies and bright sun, hot temperatures but mediated by shade from the backyard trees to cool the guests sitting on the 170 chairs we fit into our little back yard, gloriously celebratory of relationships and community – one of my favorite days ever. 

It is such an honor to officiate. 

I take the opportunity to internally rededicate our home and relationship, and to  more externally encourage Rebe and Zach in their personal goodness and collective ability to do relationship well. A portion of my address to them follows:

“We are standing today on what used to be sparse grass and the space where our beloved collie used to relieve herself. Each spring, upon snow melt, there would be a multitude of droppings to be picked up. One spring during a time of intense husband-wife difficulties, while picking up the poop, I reflected to myself: “Yep shit happens. Still, I don’t have step into it, smear it around, stay in the mess  – I can choose rather to avoid much it by stepping carefully, picking it up and tossing it away…” 

Through our messy time, Gregg and I proceeded mostly carefully through the yuk. As needed, so can you, through whatever yuk comes your way, not the same difficulties, but some difficulties that are inevitable in any relationship.

Today, there are plants and a labyrinth in this same space of previous mess. 

Now there’s beauty, and inspiration. Walking, or even looking at a labyrinth, reminds me to keep on in the journey: sometimes we move toward center, sometimes away from it, occasionally we are dead center, most of the time not. 

And so with relationships: we continue, we accept and appreciate this person. We keep finding beauty and love. We keep dreaming.

You two can keep on in this journey of love. And you will do it well.

Rebekah and Zachary, we, your community, the people that love you, today celebrate with you; we will keep on supporting your commitment and care, and we will keep on believing, with you, in an unbelievable love. Amen.”

After all that wonderful flurry, I am “all in” as our old neighbor Mark would say; I am wiped out in late summer 2015.

In September, Mom gets diagnosed with cancer that has metasticised into her bones: we dive with her into that journey of dying.

Though worn out and sad, this time of life brings joyful happenings too, in addition to the wedding. Such as: realizing that God/Diving/LOVE loves me like I love my grandkids – probably even much more than I love my grandkiddos. 

I DELIGHT in those little ones. That delight is not based on any kind of performance, it is just for who they are. They receive that delight innocently and completely. 

My relationship with them reveals to me that God delights in each of them and in me and in all of us in similar ways.

Maybe life is about delighting in each other.

Maybe life is about becoming more aware of our innate goodness.

Most likely, to be able to do that, I’m needing to continually let go of old ways.