Chapter 62. Changed

The great weakness of much Western spirituality is that there is little understanding of the necessity of darkness and "not knowing" 

(which is the transformative alchemy of faith). 

– Richard Rohr

What I need is here. And yet, I resist. Still don’t much like  discomfort. I don’t much like this NOT knowing in the big ideas of life like “who/what/how is God? And how does that effect my living?”

I have felt invited to change my theology (and it seems like drastic change) in these last two decades. Inviting me to change my way of thinking asks me to hold the hand of anxiety. Change is unfamiliar, unstable. I need reminders that it is good to change, like these quotes:

"First take the log out of your own eye, then you will see clearly enough to take the speck out of another's eye." – Jesus, Matthew 7:5

"An unwise person will try to change others, 

a medium wise person will change the environment, 

a wise person will change himself." 

- Islamic saying

"If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change."

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

-Gandhi 

Can I really BE in my moments in a changed way that will change the world? Be a healing presence? I need assurances that even small changes can make a difference.

Mother Teresa's words comfort me,

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”

And so do the sentiments of Therese of Lisieux, who described "the little way" in terms of a commitment to the tasks and to the people we meet in our everyday lives. She accepted that each one came ultimately from the divine artist and thus each one is loved forever by God. Therefore she would love them as best she could, a kind word, a smile, an assist when she was able… she determined that there is deep down a union between love of God and love of neighbor.

What a comfort it is, this way of love! You may stumble on it, you may fail to correspond with grace given, 

but always love knows how to make the best of everything.”

– Therese of Lisieux

To love more completely I have needed to change and will continue to need to change. My Myers Brigg personality typology of ISTJ is said to be the type that is most resistant to change. As a young adult I had a subconscious sense of "why would I need to change?" I was a good girl, a rule follower, exemplary in behavior. As a senior in high school, it was I who received the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) Good Citizenship award.

Diane, center, mom behind me; oh my, that hair!

[Interestingly, mom tracked down her revolutionary ancestor and proudly joined the local DAR chapter, serving as the DAR officer who presented the Good Citizenship award annually to a high school senior for a number of years. To honor Mom, her four ‘girls’ all joined DAR in 2008. 

[In case you wonder, our Revolution ancestor is “Dr.” John Hubbard, who served one year as a Surgeon’s Mate to Dr. Finley in Capt. Adam Martin’s Co., Colonel Timothy Bigelow’s Mass. Regiment, total service 3 years; wounded at the battle of Monmouth.]

Though I haven’t stepped eagerly into change, I think those close to me might acknowledge that my beliefs are changing. Life’s unexpected bumps and roadblocks certainly have contributed to my ideological changes. Probably an even bigger contributor has been the people around me, namely my kids. Their differing viewpoints and life experiences have expanded my worldview, and given credence to other ways of thinking and being.

Dec 2005 family trip to visit Rebe in Mexico, and learn about social justice!

I am still uncomfortable with what feels like drastic ideological changes within, AND I am forever grateful. 

My loved ones have changed me. And I am changing me.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.

Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” 
― Jalaluddin Rumi