In too many ways I am afraid to be who I am.
I don’t know what I can or cannot say after this great
big marital upheaval. I am afraid I won’t get what I think I need. I am afraid
I won’t be able to love and be loved well again.
November 26, 1999
This
week after coming home from our weekend away, I have been struggling emotionally.
Have had headaches too.
I
feel asleep last night quite hurt and angry.
No
argument, because I didn’t pursue it.
I
read Gregg some paragraphs from Torn
Asunder, by Dave Carder, that let him know that my process of
recovery will probably take as long as it took him to get into and out of his
affair.
He
uttered a meek, “I’m sorry.”
I
think I felt hurt that all I got was a meager “I’m sorry” after bringing up the
hurt from his affair, so I didn’t say anything.
Also,
I’m so mad and frustrated because I feel trapped or confused about when I can
say what’s really on my mind.
I
want to explain what would really make me feel comforted or loved, but I am so
afraid of him responding with “see, you’re trying to put words in my mouth and
control me again.”
Oh
God, help me sort it out.
Can
I approach him with trying to clarify that I don’t want to control, but do want
to build the relationship?
He
has expressed a desire to learn what it is that trips my trigger. Words
of endearment do so much! For him to express his sorrow AGAIN will quickly
soften me.
I want to hear words from him
like
“Honey,
take all the time you need to ‘recover’;
I
will be patient;
I’m
here for the long haul;
I
want to make you happy;
I
hate what I’ve done;
I’m
sorry that I’ve put you through this;
You
are benefiting from that book, would you like me to read it?;
I
love you so, honey.”
I’m also reading Hind’s
Feet on High Places. I’ve read it before, in my early 20s. I need it now as
I relate so closely with the character of Much Afraid. In the story she eventually turns into
Grace and Glory, and I want that. Author Hannah Hurnard writes, in recounting the lessons
learned by Much Afraid on her way to the High Places:
“I
learnt that I must accept with joy all that You allowed to happen to me on the
way and everything to which the path led me! That I was never to try to evade
it but to accept it and lay down my own will on the altar and say, ‘Behold me -
I am thy little handmaiden Acceptance-with-Joy.’
Then
I learnt that I must bear all that others were allowed to do against me and to
forgive with no trace of bitterness and to say to Thee, ‘Behold me – I am Thy
little handmaiden Bearing-with-Love
that I may receive power to bring good out of this evil.
The
third thing that I learnt was that You, my Lord, never regarded me as I
actually was, lame and weak and crooked and cowardly. You saw me as I would be
when You had done what You promised and had brought me to the High Places, when
it could be truly said, ‘There is none that walks with such a queenly ease, nor
with such grace, as she.’ You always
treated me with the same love and graciousness as though I were a queen already
and not wretched little Much-Afraid.’
The fourth thing was really the first I learnt up here. Every circumstance in life, no matter how crooked and distorted and ugly it appears to be, if it is reacted to in love and forgiveness and obedience to Your will can be transformed.
Therefore I begin to
think, my Lord, You purposely allow us to be brought into contact with the bad
and evil things that you want changed… so that we may let You teach us so to
react to them, that out of them we can create lovely qualities to live forever.
"Behold the One beholding you, and smiling."
- Anthony de Mello
In late November we make the decision to do church at Emmaus rather than the Evangelical Free church (EFC): I know that Gregg is wilting under the EFC leaders who seem to not quite know what to do with us.
It is a good decision; still, I feel the loss of the
community we had.
Sunday,
November 28, 1999
I
am feeling sad this afternoon. I went out to the church to return a couple of
tapes and felt quite overwhelmingly sad – at the loss of a church family, and
at the loss of so much.
Many
expectations – of marriage, of my husband, of myself, of other friendships – feel
as though they’ve been dashed.
Gregg
and I ended up talking through another conflict. It seems that we have some
rather ‘normal’ marital misunderstandings, but they are compounded by our recent
past with the affair stuff.
Gregg
easily gets riled when something I do seems controlling, and I easily get riled
when something he does feels like abandonment/rejection.
The hurt saga continues.
I ache -- most likely
dis-proportionally so -- over feeling like Gregg doesn’t want my input into the
Christmas letter. I’m struggling with feeling as though I’m not appreciated for
who I am and for what I can offer, not used as a resource nor my input considered;
instead I’m seen as a nuisance (such as when I wanted to proof the Christmas letter).
Of course, there are extreme relational undercurrents, that seem ever present.
December
3, 1999
I
said last night “I think I like kissing more than you” and he responded, after
a pause, “I don’t know about that.”
It
sure seems to me that I am more often the one to initiate a kiss, and I still
can’t help but wonder if he prefers Allure’s kind of kissing. I know, God, that
he loves me, and that he has chosen me and I am so grateful for that.
There just is so much deep hurt in all that he
did.
It HURTS so hard.
I
am also weighted with sadness.
I
do wonder if less medication is having an effect – this ‘fight’ is all too
familiar and loathsome. I took 20 mg of Celexa this morning, and may have to
keep the dose up for awhile (I had been taking 10 mg for almost 3 weeks).
The headaches (or hint of a headache) have
been with me almost constantly for the last two weeks.
God,
I want to keep believing You for a miracle in changing my brain chemistry – I
will keep asking.
God,
You are good all the time.
The crippling sadness lessens slightly in intensity
compared to late summer. An overarching heaviness continues though: I muse
about what’s contributing to that. Losses of leaving NEFC and giving up both
alcohol and Paul, enduring shorter colder days and stresses of demands of Christmas?
And I’m unsettled about other stuff.
I kinda have a lot of needs.
Sometimes it works well to communicate via email.
December
12, 1999
Gregg
to Dee:
Thanks
DeeDee for being patient with me. I think God is healing us and time is the
critical element.
I will start to pray more with you and let you know in that
way that I care deeply for you and your spiritual needs as well
as your physical needs.
I
look at the world differently now than I used to, and I still think that we
have a good thing together. Not many women could do what you have done in
forgiving me and not many marriages would survive it either. You have been VERY
gracious.
In all our relationships I want us to be looking to each other first
and what is best for each other. I do have a hard time with the Paul stuff, but
my concern is for you as much as it is for me. I want to protect you and have
you all to myself. And I want us to be exclusively each others. I'm sorry I
haven't been what you need. I would even like to figure out what I can do to
fill the void that is filled with people like Kline. I know I can't be him, and
I don't want to be him. I just want to be as much of what you need as is
possible.
I
love you.
December 15, 1999
Dee
to Gregg:
I
just wanted to say thanks for doing counseling and for working on us. For some
reason, today felt like we made more progress, or it will lead to more progress, than we have before. And I really think your idea of writing down a 'perfect'
sexual encounter (with each other, of course ;)) is a great one. I do want to
please you, both by pleasuring you and by helping you pleasure me, and
vice-versa.
I
do love you, and I want to be only yours and all yours. Thank you too for
forgiving my sin with Paul. It feels good to me to not be at all distracted.
Thank you for 'fighting' for me.
You
are one of a kind - ya know, I've never met anyone like you! And that's the
truth (hope you're smiling, I am)! Love
for you, DeeDee
Gregg
to Dee:
I
agree that the session was good. I think we are getting better at working
things out on our own. I even wondered if I would do the reading and go to the
Freedom thing, and then be accountable to Tom D. or something, maybe that would
work. I think prayer with people like them would be good and might be the kind
of longer term thing that would bring the healing that I need. I know this is
deep stuff and that Maureen probably can't be the one to go deep with me.
I
love you and want to get this right. I don't want either one of us to get to
the place where we are desperate and wanting to get out.
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