Chapter 47. Adjustment disorder

“When I wake up in the morning, I can’t decide whether to enjoy the world or improve the world; 

that makes it difficult to plan the day.” 

– E. B. White

In 2006 I start into a program of spiritual direction training. For nearly two years I travel to Lino Lakes, MN each Thursday night of the academic year, sit in my chair reading assignments during my afternoon time at home, write reflection papers, and talk with teachers and classmates. 

It is there that I am exposed to people who think differently; maybe there are “ways” to God beyond what I’ve clung to? 

I am both grieving the loss of my role as "mom" and celebrating a new phase of life without kids at home by taking a "Hooray, we've launched the kids!" trip to the US Southwest in fall of 2006 - Gregg and I LOVED the sleeper state of Utah with all it's incredible national parks and unexpected rock beauty!


I graduate from that spiritual direction certificate program in May 2008. The experience opens me to think differently.

In those years between 2006 to 2008 two of our boys get married - such happy occasions!

Seth and Lea wed on August 19, 2006.

Mark and Bri wed on July 6, 2007. 

These significant events move me to consider deep relational issues.

Additionally, along the way there are conversations and encounters with the kids that effect our ideology.

And in the everyday we are still often involved in our parent’s and our kid’s lives:  

• in the fall I hang with my mom at the hospital for a few days during her bilateral mastectomy (with some complications) after yet another recurrence of breast cancer for her

• Gregg and I help Seth and Lea reshingle their roof

• we help Mark paint his Victoria-house living room (he married the summer after college graduation, and bought a house with wife Bri a year later)

• I correspond often with Becky while she’s in Central America

• we support Dan as needed with his early college days at St. Olaf

Still I am wondering what my role is now. I am aware that I don’t know much; I don’t know who or how I ought to be. In almost any realm.

And then my body "betrays" me. In August 2008, abdominal palpitation and ultrasound findings push my docs to encourage me to have an oophorectomy. Laprascopic surgery results in both ovaries being extracted. 

We meet our deductible for that year of the surgery. So why not make lemonade from these lemons? Why not pursue counseling since it’s basically “free” (that is, free to me, though not to the insurance/medical community!).

I start in with Peggy, a Jungian counselor. She needs a diagnosis for insurance coverage: she calls what I have “adjustment disorder” (I’m not "depressed" this time; at least not so much). 

One of the suggestions of Peggy, my counselor/therapist, in December 2008, is to define what I ought and want to do (and how I want to be): 

my “Ego Ideal.” 

I write 

Just be perfect, like God's natural beauty: that's all

"I want to do most anything relatively well (be competent),

At any time (energetic),
With humor (funny and witty),

At a moment’s notice (able to think on my feet, be spontaneous),

In goodness and with strength of character (strong),

Without hesitation (generous),

In a way that attracts (beautiful),

And makes the other feel valued (loving),

And special (nurturing),

And cared for (warmth).

I’d like to be animated (expressive),

Winsome (considerate/good with people),

Truly good (kind),

And helpful (wise)."

Yep, that’s all.

What?

Writing it all out helps reveal how ridiculous my expectations for self are. NO one can do all of that. 

Not anyone. 

Not me.