Chapter 42. Remembering abundance

“I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness, 

and then other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, 

I’m a human trying to make it through in this world.” 

– Ellen DeGeneres

In the days leading up to Christmas 1999 I try to describe how I feel, in addition to my achy body:

“OVERWHELMED, DISTRESSED, IRRITATED, TIRED, RACING, UNSETTLED, SCARED? “

There’s the trepidation of dividing up Mom and Dad’s belongings, anxiety about being with the Mennings and John, wondering if the kids will like their gifts; and the work of finishing the shopping and gathering up the food and clothes to bring to Iowa.

Christmas with family happens, and includes more than tangible gifts. The dividing up of Mom and Dad’s belongings goes wonderfully, time with Mennings happens with mostly calm. There is an admission by Betty that she’d seen things that were “wrong” when Becky was under her care, and just let them go: I work at forgiving the passivity that contributed to Becky’s abuse and Gregg’s straying.

Gregg and I enjoy an incredibly thoughtful gift from our kids: a night away at the Archer House.

I am wanting to redirect to seeing some abundance, urged on by a message at Oakdale on Isaiah 55.

December 28, 1999

Isaiah 55:2b “Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, and delight yourself in abundance.” 

“…delight yourself in abundance!” Let my mind dwell on what is good in my life, my marriage, in what You are doing in me. Stop thinking so much on what has gone wrong (continue that to the degree that is necessary for continued healing); be careful to not obsess. Consciously redirect my thoughts to “eating what is good” and seeing the abundance. 

“Listen carefully to Me.” I am so desiring God to hear Your voice, and am wanting with all my being to listen and listen carefully. God, I have put myself on the altar in every way I know how. I have given You my own coping measures that have kept me away from dependence on You: 

alcohol, 

inappropriately finding affirmation in another man, 

self-pity, 

resentment, 

bitterness, 

accomplishments, 

idolizing my relationship with Gregg, 

thinking that I am anything (idolizing myself and my way of thinking). 

You know how imperfectly I have sacrificed these things God, and I desperately need You to do it all for me. You alone know my heart.  

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way (way of pain) in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” Psalm 139:23-24

“You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

For a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

Love what it loves…”

– Mary Oliver, Wild Geese