In mid-July 1999 Gregg and I go to the Basilica Block party.
- stroll the walled-off blocks amidst the other party goers;
- listen to the music of Del Amitri, Los Lobos, and Bruce Hornsby;
- dole out $3 for each beer or wine (which was difficult for cheap me, but Gregg, being infinitely better at letting go of a few bucks every now and then, said, “let's splurge!”).
While Bruce Hornsby performs I doze a tiny bit even though I am standing up, and within 10 yards of the speakers. Gregg says there’s
now a new, even higher 'standard' for me for where I can fall asleep - standing
in a crowd at an outdoor concert, nearly immediately in front of blaring sound! My story is that
I’m ridiculously sleep deprived, and I’m stickin’ to it.
Those dreamy moments with Gregg are a delicious experience: leaning on his chest and into his warmth, listening to good music and the hum of the crowd, enjoying perfect weather, feeling mellow from the wine. It is a lovely time.
Looking back I wonder if it was almost a defining moment for Gregg in convincing him that we can do fun together again. We can be grateful for each other!
Those dreamy moments with Gregg are a delicious experience: leaning on his chest and into his warmth, listening to good music and the hum of the crowd, enjoying perfect weather, feeling mellow from the wine. It is a lovely time.
Looking back I wonder if it was almost a defining moment for Gregg in convincing him that we can do fun together again. We can be grateful for each other!
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues,
but the parent of
all the others.
-Cicero
I go on a private retreat; getting away by myself helps
energize and heal me, at least some.
July 26, 1999. Retreat at Mount Olivet.
A glimmer of
shimmer is how I’ll remember my time with you, God - Like Sleeping Beauty was
awakened from her deep slumber by a kiss, so You too have ‘kissed’ me, Your own, to
life!
You have awakened my slumbering spirit!
Like Cinderella and Beauty had their princes who brought them into a new life, co-reigners over their kingdoms, so you too have brought me into a new life of ‘spirit’, grace and truth, and freedom. You have clothed me in flowing white linen/silk, adorned me in the velvet of royalty; that is, your very own qualities, your very own self
(Col 3:12-14 ‘....and so, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other....and put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.”)
Like Cinderella and Beauty had their princes who brought them into a new life, co-reigners over their kingdoms, so you too have brought me into a new life of ‘spirit’, grace and truth, and freedom. You have clothed me in flowing white linen/silk, adorned me in the velvet of royalty; that is, your very own qualities, your very own self
(Col 3:12-14 ‘....and so, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other....and put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.”)
The realization that you, God, actually ‘speaks’
(communicates) with me is endearingly significant! My awareness of that started
with Maureen saying “that was from God’ as she referred to the picture of mud
pots that I got as I repeated the ‘truth’ of “I am fearfully and wonderfully
made” (Psalm 139:14) to myself.
Now it
continues with the pictures and messages You send via dreams (falling out
of cliff-like cave opening 11/97, taproot dream 7/22/98, being chased 11/8/98,
truck without brakes, young crushed, dragon dream 1/99, swampy female 6/14/99);
and with the books you bring my way; and with the quiet voice in my thoughts
and the pictures you continue to give as you communicate with me.
I praise you.
Allure and I have occasional email contact. She responds
to a few of my words.
July
21, 1999
My
words, in an email:
>yet,
even through all the deception, it seems to me that you were not at all happy
about the duplicity in befriending
me, yet ultimately choosing Gregg... hmmmm....
Allure’s
words, in a return email:
I'm not asking for sympathy, but yes, it was a
terrible feeling. I genuinely cared for you as a friend, but I let my own
"needs" and desires push that aside. I genuinely cared for Gregg too,
but I didn't keep that within bounds and demonstrated it in a totally
inappropriate (and wrong) way.
I'm
*pretty* sure I've learned from this and wouldn't do it again (on the other
hand, I'm trying not to underestimate my capacity for self-deception), but all
I can say looking back is that my needs were screaming louder than my
conscience, and I just gave in.
I guess
I really didn't have a lot of inner resources either emotionally or
spiritually.
I still can't quite explain
it-- that I cared very much for you and your friendship (and for your kids
& family), yet was having an affair with your husband.
It just doesn't add up. I still cry when I tell people what a creep I
was to do this to a friend, whom (all appearances to the contrary) I really
loved.
Such a lot of lies.
During much of this summer I frequently go to the front of the sanctuary for prayer when our substitute pastor Roger Shantz gives the invitation after the sermon.
During much of this summer I frequently go to the front of the sanctuary for prayer when our substitute pastor Roger Shantz gives the invitation after the sermon.
So many prayers.
So many tears.
So many tears.
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
-Josiah Holland (1819-1881)
Truth gets revealed shortly.
No comments:
Post a Comment