Chapter 35. Summer

After Seth’s graduation and open house, summer activities include 

• Gregg’s annual trip to the boundary waters; 
• boys going to soccer practices and games or reffing; kids hanging out with friends; 
• me gardening, reading, praying, church volunteering, talking with Jan; 
• me and the kids engaging in our annual tradition of lounging by the pool in Storm Lake for a few days.

Seth travels to Europe for his German class trip. I am touched by his observations of the Swiss Alps. (I always enjoy Seth’s writing.)

July 1, 1999  ..... during the hike we were talking about a corny video we saw in german class last year about switzerland.  

in it, the narrator says "God wasn't kidding when he made the Alps."  it's kind of funny, but it's true . . . they really are some of the most beautiful things i've ever seen, and somehow, when you're standing on a giant rock protruding out of a 40 degree lake, looking up *another* 3000 feet to a snow covered peak, you feel smaller. somehow, walking across a dam at 7:30 in the morning, and only being able to see 50 feet down to terraces that look like the 9 circles of hell, you feel smaller. 

when you're hanging on a rope tied to a metal hook shorter than a foot, and your hands are gripping nothing but thin air, you feel smaller. somehow nature that big reminds you of what the Bible says- the wonders of God are apparent in Nature to anybody that looks.

somehow i felt closer to God.

        odd, that.

        seth

Gregg and I continue with counseling. During an early July session, Maureen has us identify some weaknesses in our relationship from even before the affair started. It's always both partners that have work to do, never just one – it takes two to tango, and usually two to make a relationship either bad or good – and we both need to give attention to hurts, wrong attitudes, actions.

July 2, 1999

Talked through some of the conflicts as of late 

* Our interactions re: affair hurts

We talked about how I can express my hurt without damaging Gregg, instead allowing him to more easily hear my hurt and minister to me. 
On Sat eve, in Rochester, we were in a bookstore and Gregg picked up a book on poetry. I said, “You haven’t had an interest in poetry in awhile” in a way that had undertones of my hurt and subconscious intention of wanting him to know I was hurt, and that he heard as harsh and rather snide. Maureen talked us through another way to approach it - I could gently say something like, “Even you picking up that book makes me hurt about the past,” and Gregg could respond with “I understand, and I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you.”

I was reassured that to still hurt the way I do is understandable....Maureen said “an affair is death to a marriage,” -- an incredibly hard thing to endure.

* We also talked about the weaknesses in our marriage before the affair -

1) spiritual dynamics between us - 
 - Gregg felt controlled, pushed around, manipulated, inadequate spiritually. 
I’ve felt undervalued, neglected (wanted to pray, have devotions). 
He’s also felt put down for his style of communicating spiritual things (more relational, spontaneous), since it was different than Dee’s, and not the traditional ‘church-y’ way of goals, scheduled plans, daily doing.

 - In the present, I have felt hurt, sad, even resentful that Gregg wasn’t appreciating (at least to my satisfaction) what God has gifted me with, or my sensitivities (some for his benefit) toward God. Maureen informed us that it would make good sense for God to give Gregg a ‘prophet’ in me (i.e., someone who flows in the Spirit, maybe with insight, discernment, or knowledge gifts?) to balance and aid him in his pastoral gifting. 
And that it would do him well to take advantage of my input - it’s a gift from God. Also, Maureen suggested that I explore being mentored in spirit things.

2) sexual dynamics - Maureen asked us to share in a word what our sexual relationship was like before affair. Gregg said “alone,” I said ‘exciting’ (not ecstatic, but good; he pleasured me, and I loved satisfying him). Re: his statement of ‘alone’ – he observed that we connected, but not at the same time. One of my problems is that after we had/have sex I felt/feel like Gregg ‘abandons’ me. Maureen referred to that self-absorption (which likely stems from my childhood feelings of abandonment and neglect) as narcissism, and encouraged Gregg and I to pray together for ‘narcissistic’ healing of early childhood memories.

Often the only thing that can break down your natural egocentricity is discovering that the qualities you hate in others are actually within you. 

– Richard Rohr

On this July 2 counseling session Maureen explains that healing of hurtful memories can occur by recalling the memory vividly: picture it, enter into it with all the senses and emotions, and when the pain level is high, begin to see Jesus in the memory, watch with spirit eyes what Jesus does (does Jesus deal with the offender, is Jesus with you in the situation, does Jesus take you out of the situation, does Jesus hold you, offer words?). 

Stay with the picture until you feel release. If still in pain afterwards, it could be oppression from the enemy (so pray accordingly) or could be that God is still working on ‘it’ and cleansing. 

She gives us assignments.

·          Pray together for healing of memories (long-past and near-past).

·          Re: sexuality - Ask God to reveal the openings that we’ve given the evil one in the misuse of sex, areas of sexual uncleanness and twists/perversion (i.e. alcohol, porn/lust, getting abandonment issues met through Gregg and sex rather than God, getting inadequacy needs met through Dee and sex rather than God...) and then asking God to seal off any entrances for continued uncleanness, and cleanse our imaginations, and grow our sexual relationship in nurturance and in being the symbolic picture of our union with God.

·          Do home communion and bring the memory/memories to communion, exchanging my wound for his wholeness. “I give you my pain, impart to me your life...thank you that you shed your blood for me, that you broke your body for me”

“The broken hearted are indeed the bravest among us –

they dared to love and they dared to forgive.”

-Brene Brown