Chapter 34. Graduation

Life seems tough. Wisely I go looking for support from another adult with whom I might vent. I find friend Jan, who seems to me to be truly empathetic and caring, healthy and godly, nonjudgmental.

May 18, 1999

Yesterday morning, I felt soooo broken-hearted, I could hardly stand it... 

I talked a long time with Jan and felt unburdened and cared about... 

and I didn't have to tell it all to Gregg (he hurts alot too, and it's not great for him to hear repeatedly how much I hurt). 

Also Gregg and I are talking and connecting a bit more – we keep learning more of what the other needs or prefers. 

We're getting there. 
Sure is a long road though.

Dream. May 20, 1999.  A toddler gets out of my reach (possibly my own child?). 
Baby kittens and dogs try to get out the door whenever it opens...

I try, in vain, to get them all to stay in or go back in, to contain them... I try to close the door, but have the horrible feeling like I am crushing them (or some of them) under the door as I am trying to close it,

and some are getting away.

Observation/interpretation: upon awaking I have the sense that God wants me to not fret about that which is out of reach. 
Do what I can and do it in His power. Leave the rest to Him. Don’t force hard-to-contain offspring to stay contained- may crush them under the effort/door. 

[Later addition: toddler self may indicate my unrestrained tendencies, baby animals may represent similar instinctual uncontained responses.]

It’s a ridiculously busy season of life: we are readying for Seth’s graduation open house and his German trip and doing college preparations for him. I’m “pretty overwhelmed.” 

Mostly doing okay, I say in my journal. I continue my processing with God. 

I cling to the hope of God doing "something new" in my life.

May 23, 1999

This preoccupation of believing untruth about myself (that I am unloved, shameful, alone) has hindered me from being enamored and absorbed with God. What is actually happening is that I am being made NEW - in HIM, with HIM, because of HIM....He is the great I AM.

Isaiah 43:19 “Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth, will you not be aware of it?  I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.”

Ezek 37:5-6 “Thus says the Lord God to these bones,” Behold, I will cause breath (spirit) to enter you that you may come to life.”

Add to the chaos? Steve wants to meet with Gregg. 

Gregg responds, 

May 26, 1999, Gregg to Steve via email -

Steve, I have thought about you wanting to meet and talked it over with some close friends and my counselor and they agree with that unless this meeting would be productive, unlike the previous encounters we have had, it should not happen. They and I feel that you have had a chance to vent your thoughts and anger, so the next step would be reconciliation or restoration, and I'm not sure that's what you're after with this.

I know this will never go away, and I am very sorry for all the pain I have caused everyone in all of this. Dee and I have been working hard to patch things up on our end, I can only pray that you and Allure will as well.

I guess if you think a meeting is necessary then I would need to know what the agenda is for this meeting before I get there and I will have at least one other person with me to do some mediating. I would suggest that you also have someone there for you.

The meeting of Gregg and Steve does not happen. Thankfully.

[Fast forward a couple of years – another drama is averted, but is still certainly stressful in the moment: Gregg gets served a subpoena on September 20, 2001, to testify at Hartke’s custody trial, but for a reason I don’t recall he doesn’t have to appear at trial.]

Back to our first-born’s graduation open house. Oh, and news of more cancerous growth.

June 1, 1999

I'm rather stressed with his open house and company this weekend. I keep working at talking myself through it - it's not a big deal, what gets done gets done, everything will go fine... stuff like that. I did spend some time yesterday thinking through the details - so I feel a bit better today.

Also, Mom has a suspicious growth on the site where she had breast cancer. She should find out more in the next few days or so.

Seth's graduation open house happens in early June. It goes well, though weather was extremely hot and our small house crowded and stuffy without air-conditioning. 

I’m glad to have it done. 

Now we get Seth ready for his trip to Germany (for which he worked diligently in the summer previous at a factory to raise the funds, enduring scant sleep, bulking up his depression; on the plus side he did contribute an idea to the factory to increase effectiveness – that boy, always thinking).