Chapter 31. Recollection

"Let your soul stand cool and composed before a million universes." 
- Walt Whitman

I find some composure in the words of Psalm 139 that I commit to memory, along with comfort from other verses in Psalms.

November 1, 1998

A verse in Psalm 73 came to life in a new way 
"but as for me, the nearness of God is my good."  
God quickly brought to mind Romans 8:28 and my tendency to think of 'good' as pleasant, comfortable. I have come to the conclusion (at least in my head space, and God is working at getting it through to my heart) that 'pain is not the worst thing in the world, evil or separation from God is' - a statement that I've shared with Becky and Seth. All things work together for GOOD (nearness to God) to them that love God, who are called according to His purpose. 
It gives all this heartache some renewed meaning. Thank you God.

November 13, 1998 

And, some verses of Psalm 139 that I've been repeating to myself this week, when I've felt quite 'dark' inside (so tempted to despair, depression, and giving up - especially Mon through Wed):

"If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me, the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you, the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You." 
I am claiming this truth as my own! 

God lights me up in all ways: I visualize His radiant light all through me, originating from my center and radiating out in splendid rays, penetrating every part of me and creating for me even a radiant space all around me that Satan cannot access.

November 30, 1998 

I love the truth of 

"All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be"

"your thoughts of me, God, outnumber the sand" 

"you hem me in behind and before, you have laid your hand upon me" 

"darkness is not dark to you, the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you"

"Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain"!!

I have a year-end practice of looking over the past year and culling out the lessons. In January 1999 I record the realization that I: 
 - am all about self-effort, 
 - depend on others for affirmation, 
 - base my value on what I can get done. 
In my inner being I've doubted that I am an okay person (after all, I muse, my parents and sibs didn’t seem to be too crazy about me, so it must be that I’m deficient and defective), but I had held onto the idea that maybe I was an okay wife! When I learned how much my husband had loved another, I had to face squarely the idea that there was something lacking in my wife-ness. 

I felt so awful, abandoned, and full of self-pity (as Maureen pointed out in early November: such a tough thing to hear). 

But I’m going to God, my LIGHT, my force field, the One who radiates from within “for darkness is as light to You.” I believe that You really do LOVE me and want what is good for me “the nearness of God is my good” Psalm 72.

January 12, 1999

From Watchman Nee’s Sit, Walk, Stand - 
God is waiting for your store of strength to be utterly exhausted before he can deliver you. Once you have ceased to struggle, he will do everything... 
Stand, means “hold your ground”....thus today we do not fight for victory; we fight from victory. We do not fight in order to win but because in Christ we have already won.... It is all a matter of faith in him. 
If we believe the Lord, we shall not pray so much but rather we shall praise him more.