Chapter 27. Rebuilding

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Love is our true destiny. 

We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - 

we find it with another. 

- Thomas Merton

Gregg and I continue to grunt and groan in our attempts to communicate.

August 17, 1998

Gregg and I keep plowing forward. We had another confrontational talk Friday and Saturday....but we talked through it. I was telling him how so many things remind me of them (of he and Allure together), even whenever I kiss him (because early on I asked some pointed questions and found out that Allure was a teasing kind of kisser, no tongue most of the time, and I got the impression that Gregg kinda liked that... even when casually kissing I sometimes touch his lips with my tongue... and so I started paying attention as to whether he ever initiated something similar...it seemed to me that he didn't... I've started kissing him differently at times...thinking that's what he desires).

Gregg asserts that I’ll attribute any change that he’s made in the past two years to the affair. I agree that will be my tendency and that I’ll need him to explain to me otherwise. I tell him that I’m sorry, but I feel I can’t believe everything he says. That I know it really grieves him (but he knows too it’s a consequence of lying so grossly to me). That out of extreme hurt I am likely not hearing everything he says now. I hope he can be patient with me.

He also said that I kiss better and do sex better than Allure. I told him thanks for telling me - and that that was the first I'd heard that, and that of course, I wondered whether sex was better with her (I still can think that at times the passion and illicitness of the sex they had was mind-boggling, sin can be incredibly enticing at times...but I believe him when he says – at least maybe in general - that sex is better with me...when something is right, it has a certain sweet satisfaction).

We have another counseling session tomorrow - we're going to start to work more on relational areas (we've mostly worked on individual root problems up to now). I'm so grateful for the input of a discerning, Spirit-filled therapist - it's an answer to prayer! (even though we do have to pay mega-bucks! ;l)

I journal as I think over one of my August assignments from counselor Maureen: to be aware of how Gregg communicated his needs before all this other yuk.

August 20, 1998

How did Gregg communicate any of his need/dissatisfaction before all the Allure stuff? If not with words, then how?

It’s still hard for me to sift through what is just his mannerisms and what is a message for me to pick up on, but here are some guesses at possibilities:

-- retreating to passive activity, i.e., TV because he wouldn’t have to talk, or think?

-- finding some satisfaction/approval with fantasy/porn

-- not initiating much conversation about his personal concerns or fully engaging in conversation, giving me the impression that he’d rather not be talking: by giving short answer, not reciprocating the question, some facial grimacing or sighing?

-- just ‘not doing’ some of the things I’d suggest as ideas, or not discuss them with me; he wouldn’t disagree, just wouldn’t do

-- gaining “space” by letting me or encouraging me to imbibe

-- taking time away from family pressures, by fishing, doing some side job work; maybe looked for affirmation in the side job work

-- really getting into some areas apart from me...designing furniture (occasionally with Allure); pursuing idea of own business (though I think that was after initial involvement with Allure)

-- un-involvement with T-Net (church program) though it seemed he supported my involvement with it

-- criticism toward pastor while I supported the pastor’s work?

-- seemingly not as much interest in spiritual things?

I muse that – even though Gregg still expressed affection, a desire to please, and a willingness to allow me to pursue my interests – it appears Gregg wasn’t feeling fully accepted, that he felt I wanted him to change: maybe especially the way he did spiritual life (devos, or lack thereof, with kids or for himself). I wonder if his struggle with porn stems from finding pleasure in being able to be just the person he wants to be in that fantasy world: fully appreciated and loved. I realize that Allure maybe offered that to him. She thought he was incredible. I can understand the draw of affirmation and attention; being thought of as “one in a million.” While he was feeling defective around me, he felt empowered, appreciated, and magnificent around Allure.

More August 20 journaling:

I am trying to face up to that idea that I didn’t make him feel like a man in some big ways.

o    That my pride and my need for ‘perfection’ from self and those around me - and my expression of ‘just one more thing’ or that there’s always something more to strive for - tired him out, discouraged him, took all the wind out of his sails, conveyed a disrespect and unacceptance of his person.

o    So, that when someone else offered an appreciation of his person and an escape from the ordinary, it was enough of an attraction to take him away.

o    Also, I realize that he tired of feeling like his efforts to be all that he thought I needed him to be were never enough (and I know that despair, just recently feeling it).

o    And that he tired of my depressive tendencies, of trying to cheer me and not being successful (in the long run), and maybe tired of me needing him so (comments like ‘don’t you dare die first, I’ll be so mad,’ or ‘I couldn’t manage without you’).

I can feel like David writes about - like my insides are melted...so distraught and devastated.

The deceit and betrayal, and that he loved another woman so, tears me apart.

How can I not feel rejected? I have been rejected....

But not by You Lord.

Oh, help me to remember that. You will never leave me nor forsake me, you have set my feet in a large place (Ps 18:19, 31:8, 118:5)

Oh God, you have brought me to freedom! Freedom from idolizing my husband, freedom from the chains of sin and trying to please myself or others. Help me remember. Spirit fill ‘to all fullness’.

And when they ask us what we’re doing, you can say, We’re remembering.

That’s where we’ll win out in the long run.” 

- P 164, Farenheit 451