Chapter 25. Retreat again

In early August 1998 I go on a one-night retreat at a bed and breakfast. Gregg generously encourages me to get away like this, and he takes care of the family. Through the years he has always been good about minding the home front when I go on trips with siblings or get away by myself.

It wasn’t just for the occasional trip or retreat that Gregg took care of the family. After fourth baby Dan was born, I relayed that I was

-      under water - my words at the time were "I'm drowning!" -  as I tended to our four little ones plus care for my sister Kathy's newborn Katelyn,

-      feeling trapped as we had NO financial margin, and

-      feeling abandoned when he’d go out fishing until 2am (though he left after the kids were in bed, he was tired during the evening hours when he was with us. But the fish were biting!)

After the questionaire administered by my physician (and dear friend, Dr. Tim Daniels, who was the inspiration for Dan's middle name) suggested I was depressed in early December 1987, we established one night per week away for me. Gregg cooked supper, so I had the night off from meal preparation and kid care, and I would usually go to the library, where it was quiet and no one demanded anything of me. 

The childrens’ constant needing me was most difficult for this introverted mom, so much so that, in addition to one night away per week, to stay sorta sane I needed to reframe often: as the kids pulled at me I would bring to mind the verses in Psalms on waiting on God, where to wait means “to adhere to” like a child clinging to its mother’s legs.

“Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and shield.” 

- Psalm 33:20

I occasionally get away for restorative time. Gregg has kindly aided me in making that happen; he has been good to me in numerous and consistent ways over the years.

On this late summer 1998 retreat I do a few self-care activities like take a warm bath, enjoy the visual pretties of a Victorian-decorated space, relish quiet, appreciate the thick feather pillows, delight in great food that someone else cooks. 

I sit in yearning silence with God. I feel devastatingly undesirable. I listen for the messages that might feed my soul. 

Aug 1, 1998.

I told God that most of all, I feel my soul longs to be a person that is desired.

God led me to lots of different Scriptures, with this one being one that I'll really repeat to myself over and over again:

"The Spirit whom He has caused to dwell in us, jealously desires us, and He yearns for the Spirit (to be welcome) with a jealous love." 

–James 4:5 (Amplified version)

In other words, God wants us to want Him as badly as He wants us....but note, He really wants me! I so rejoice in that! Isn't it wonderful?

"You are - we all are - the beloved of the Beloved One and in every moment, in every event of life, the Beloved One is whispering to you exactly what you need to hear and know. 

Who can explain such a mystery?

It simply is."

 -Rumi, Light Upon Light