Chapter 23. Really mad

"Anger is our unconsciousness's fastest way to let us know that our boundaries are being stepped on."
-Wendy Hammond, Leaving the Castle: Finding the Confidence to Start Over 

We find a new counselor in the Cities, and start into couples therapy. Much of my work is anger work, urged on by counselor Maureen. She says to me, more than once, “you are more angry than you think.”

I’ve since learned that enneagram Ones are often not in touch with their anger. In fall 2015, my Enneathought, a daily email offering a few words to ponder for each enneagram type, said,

“It is striking that Ones are often unaware of their anger, and almost always underestimate the degree of it. Whatever Ones may call their intense feelings, it is the force of anger which truly directs a One’s actions. 

Watch for this tendency in yourself today. 

(Personality Types, p 379)

In June 1998 I record and communicate the words below. It seems to help me get a handle on all the diffuse agitation and misery inside, and I hope it will move me toward more health and wholeness. Still, it is difficult to convey; and to ease the discomfort I add my own apologies and end it with an expression of appreciation. 

Maureen gently chides me for trying to express even anger “perfectly.” She’s discerning correctly that I’m quite uncomfortable expressing the anger and trying to soften the discomfort of the recipient. Yet, I am feeling both intense anger and some gratitude, so it feels better to communicate both.

Only the list “To Gregg” is below: a similar long list is emailed to Allure. Get ready, or skip over: I really rant. 

(I'm intentionally leaving the list in small print - you gotta wanna read it.)

To Gregg --

-I am angry about feeling uncomfortable, crazy even, about you and Allure interacting

at the sink in early Oct during the Pakistan dinner

in Feb, at the meeting with Steve, while I was defending your and Allure’s ‘right’ to interact (as friends! I

thought) and you were f***ing (as lovers);  I feel so taken advantage of

-I am furious that you went to her so often for consolation, for sex...that you had it with her weekly or more often - 
                maybe even more often than we were doing it

-I am angry –

-that you didn’t talk to me about what you needed, and give me a chance

-at you for the deception of the porn for so many years

-at you for having a family of origin that’s so full of denial, for the pathology that so hurt my little girl, and that set up our boys for porn, and for your lack of discipline

-at you for putting yourself in a place where you ‘need’ nicotine and thus end up smelling repulsive

-that you took a good friend from me

-that you compromised me, and our family spiritually, and opened us up to demonic forces in a different way

-that you don’t ask (think of it even) to pray together with me

-that it seems you’ve disregarded my wishes for spiritual oneness with you

-that it seems like you still don’t seem to use me as a resource or help with spiritual stuff with kids

-that I can’t trust you

                -that I don’t know when to believe you, when not to

                -that your word is not reliable, when that is such a big deal to me

-that you’ve shattered my dreams - you were my ‘nice guy’ who was ‘crazy’ about me, and adored me... but now you’re not or you don’t

-that you’ve given away, in so loving another woman, what was (I believe) rightfully mine

-that you shattered everything (it feels like) that I thought was secure - our “good” marriage, and me being a ‘good’ wife...that you made me face up to or feel like a rotten wife

-that your actions contributed to my involving another person (Paul - who has contributed toward ‘defiling’ my person with sexual thoughts of another - thus disobedience) and that that involvement has caused him some pain (now that we’re backing off)

- that I think of you and Allure in Yitterboe humping, of you caressing her curves, enjoying her c*** and her kisses, enjoying being in her mouth and her swallowing... and loving every second

-that you got so mad at Gary (and put me in an uncomfortable place) about being called “slick” when it was true

-that you exacerbated my depression

-that you contributed to me drinking more, and now I have to fight hard to go beyond physical/psychological dependence

-for being so passionate with her - that you gave her so much of your heart

-that you made time and energy for her at my expense

-that you put me in a place of ‘competing’ for your love

-that I even hurt for you for something you did that hurt me so

-I’m mad that I was lied to over and over and over again, that you took advantage of my belief in you, and my trust

-that I was made a fool of, disregarded, talked about negatively with her
-that you kept so many secrets from me - that you walled me out

I’M SORRY - Please forgive me:

-for being hard and cold emotionally

-for being controlling or perfectionistic and leaving parts of you feeling empty, or intimidated

-for not appreciating your unique style of leadership and your unique giftedness in design, and thus not supporting you more in those

-for my pride, and thinking I was better than you in some ways

-for hurting you in my attempts to self-destruct or meet my own needs inappropriately (depression, alcohol, workaholism, and Paul)

-for internalizing, thus making it difficult for you to say what’s on your mind

-for my sensuality that I’ve passed on to the kids, and that has probably caused me to put up with too much

-for my disability (‘cause of my own issues/brokenness) in following through with the kids

I APPRECIATE AND THANK YOU

-for doing Quicken immediately Fri eve after I mentioned that it needed to be done and thus communicating your love for me (cause then I wouldn’t have to do it)

-for your gracious excitement about the love seat for Seth (even though it meant work to get it in the house and more ‘stuff’ in the house)

-for letting me have flowers hanging all over the place

-for telling me you like “tight places”

-for listening and considering my input with the kids

-for your fun-loving and cheerful outlook on life

-for being so sorry for what has happened and for hating the hurt that it’s brought

-for making me face my ‘idols,’ and give up what I’ve depended on (that are actually quite undependable)

-for so often being selfless, sensitive, intuitive, considerate, kind, thoughtful, sweet, affectionate, warm, tender

-for loving God and being open to what He desires

-for telling me about the affair, in order to not go back to her

-for choosing me