Chapter 22. Restoration

Gregg and I both do some reading. Online, at marriagebuilders.com, we learn that there needs to be no contact with the ‘lover’ and complete honesty for the marriage relationship to go deep. I too have some work to do here.

On March 6, 1998 I journal and I ask myself what really happened with Paul and me? Was it a mini affair? Do I need to not have any contact with him? There still is a significant connection. I’m rather addicted to him: he is fun and funny and kind to me and meets some emotional needs. I’m not ready yet to not write him at all; maybe I’ll just write less? I know I need to work things out with Gregg.

In late April we attend a “Marriage Restoration Weekend” that is a help to us both. I receive prayer to be free of my fear and anger against God and of my believing that God is MEAN.

"If this is the way you treat your friends, no wonder you have so few of them!"

– Teresa of Avila, presumed

Gregg receives prayer for relief from sexual sin and feels a new enthusiasm and power to conquer those areas, and communicates to me again his sorrow for past offenses and his desire to be what God wants him to be and to love me tenderly and completely. We recognize ourselves as broken cisterns and God as the fountain of living water.

April 28, 1998 The weekend affirmed some of my instincts, and gave some of my longings validity. 

o    It is human to have deep longings (such as for love, significance, being cherished and cared for). 

o    Our soul consists of our feelings, thoughts, and deep longings; when longings are unmet (hole in our hearts-and we feel abandoned, rejected, hurt, disappointed, insignificant, etc.), it is easy to have distortions in thinking and painful thoughts. 

o    To the degree that we are not perfectly loved is the degree that we will feel pain. 

o    Pain is scary and unpleasant, and our tendency is to run for relief or attempt to protect ourselves. 

o    In finding relief we so often go to substitutes rather than God (Jeremiah 2:13 “For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, to hew for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water.”)

o    Some of those substitutes include: denying the pain; blaming someone else; withdrawing; engaging in distractions such as food, alcohol, sex, work; losing self in others; perfectionism/legalism; and being angry. 

o    When our desires are blocked, we are saddened, and instead of feeling the pain, it’s easier to get angry, it pushes away the pain and serves as a form of self-protection. 

o    But our anger easily goes beyond ‘righteous’ anger to inner rage, resentment, hatred, and bitterness, resulting in a cycle of unforgiveness.

o    Unforgiveness poisons our bodies and minds; our thinking, feeling, and choices become embittered and left unresolved leaves us open to great danger (Eph 4 “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger”).

o    If we can courageously face our pain more directly, and let it drive us to God, the fountain of living waters, rather than trying to find relief in the substitutes (Broken cisterns - Jer 2:13), then God can nurture and hold us, clean and restore us, and begin healing the pain. (“Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.” Isaiah 30:18)

I record that God did a work in me over the weekend: my fears of God much relieved, a willingness to sit in my pain and with God, letting God wrap loving arms around me.

(Not that I’ll ever *like* pain, but I’m willing to endure through it if I know He’s in it with me, hurts with me, and will begin the healing.)

Still I struggle with extreme emotions in the everyday. I ruminate and am tempted to desire revenge. I kinda want Gregg to hurt because I am hurting so hard. Or maybe I just want to talk about my hurt: my ache, my wrenching thoughts of him loving someone else and being physically intimate with another, my loss of friend, and my fear that I’m contributing to Becky’s men-hating.

“What usually has the strongest psychic effect on the child is the life which the parents…

have not lived.” 

-Carl Jung

May 12, 1998 I love Gregg and I don't want to entertain my fleeting thoughts of "I don't need to love this jerk," "I don't have to put up with this," "I don't want to forgive completely and let my resentment and hurt go." 

I deep down want to love him well and benefit him - and do it in God's Spirit power.

So, I'm talking it out with God and a couple of girlfriends. I think I need some support by someone who's been there. I may call Pam in the next couple of days. I am able to go to God more quickly and completely these days and that does help, but sometimes I hunger for human words of encouragement.