Chapter 4: Carried away

In the late summer days of 1995 while walking a square around the back lot of the high school, I melt with worry, fall to my knees with face to the ground, and wet the grass as I weep. I can’t get certain impressions out of my mind. 

Something is wrong. I am being pushed out, and one small example is being excluded from the small group doing special music at church. 

Allure (name changed from actual) had lined up a trio consisting of herself, my husband, and the composer-guitarist. I should be included, I am a part of the larger music team, and if Gregg is singing, then I want to be singing. Allure knows that, but has some flimsy excuse as to why I am not included.

It feels like there’s something much bigger going on. I wonder if I am being paranoid. 

I know I feel awful: displaced, unwanted, frightened.

I see the desire that Allure has for my husband. I ask her to stop the blatant flirting with my husband. Twice. When I first clarify, some months previous, that I am uncomfortable with the flirting, she hears me out. Even though she immediately goads me with “you mean, you don’t want me to yell across the river ‘hey handsome?’” as we are walking toward where Gregg is fishing, Allure does watch her words. At least around me, for a couple of months. 

My journaling in May 1995 reflects my angst over the flirting:

I feel like an ogre – and, as usual, the party-pooper – but in my spirit I know it must be so (to ask for the flirting to stop). Even Gregg said it was kind of fun while it lasted. And he told me of the questionable things he had said, “If I’m the one you’re dreaming of, I should know the dream,” and “Spike noticed your dress,” and he acknowledged that they were mistakes.

I feel like crying, so unsettled. I don’t really know why…disappointment at having to face the fact that another can arouse him, that the possibility of his unfaithfulness is real (given all the ‘wrong’ circumstances)?

I told him that I used to think that he was too loyal to ever stray, but that I didn’t think that anymore. 

He asked, “Why not?” 

I said, “Because I don’t think loyalty is strong enough to overcome the sexual involvements if you let go and not guard self and not take appropriate precautions. Am I wrong?” 

He said, “Probably not.”

Maybe I feel scared. Like maybe I won’t be all that he needs. And a little angry that I’ve tried hard to guard my affections and maybe he hasn’t tried as hard. He’s a different person though – more playful. What he did in flirting with Allure (though his part was minimal, still it was present) was out of wanting to please or indulge another and out of his looser sense of boundaries and discretion, not out of any hurtful intent toward me.

I’m also struggling with who I am.

Maybe I’m feeling inadequate, too. Help me Lord accept myself the way you’ve gifted me. Help me just blow off the rest.

Maybe too I’m not liking that Gregg is the one getting the attention and not me… Yet I know Lord, You’ve provided me with ample attention through Gregg and I am so grateful. Help Gregg be satisfied with married fidelity and my words of affection. Bind Satan – let him not reach our family.

My insecurities stay prevalent during the summer as I continue to struggle with who and how I am, just how God made me. Especially when Allure is around, I obsess with wondering if Gregg would rather that I was more expressively vivacious and passionate – qualities I attribute to Allure.

Sometime in late summer, I feel that swimmingly sick feeling that there is certain attraction mounting between Gregg and Allure. I do what I can. I tell Gregg again what I know of Allure's marital struggles. She and I are "best friends," she tells me "everything."  I know there are problems that will push her to look elsewhere for affirmation. 

I also again lay out my discomfort to Allure and encourage her to redirect affection from my partner to her own.

Both Allure and Gregg feign innocence, assuring me that they are just "friends," nothing more, no, nothing was happening. 

The attraction is still obvious though. I go for long walks and shed tears and cry out to the Lord. I don’t know how to do any more than I am doing, and God gives me the verse from Deuteronomy 1:30: 

“The Lord your God, who goes before you will Himself fight on your behalf, 

just as He did for you in Egypt before your eyes…” 

I cling to what I dare to believe is so – that God will go before me and be my defender. That God will protect Gregg from harm and me from great pain. I have no other hope. I keep returning to that by revisiting some of God’s words. On October 17, 1995 I recount:

I need to update, but first want to record some promises I’d like to cling to, Lord.

“The God of heaven will give us success.” Nehemiah 2:20 

“Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” II Kings 6:16

“Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God’s.” II Chronicles 20:15 

“Station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf…the Lord is with you.” II Chronicles 20:17 

“…and no injury whatever was found on him [Daniel in lion’s den] because he had trusted in his God.” Daniel 6:23b 

“In repentance and rest you shall be saved, in quietness and trust is your strength.” Isaiah 30:15 

“Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.” Isaiah 30:18

That hope helps me put one foot in front of the other; it keeps me alive.

Still, I am ragged. One friend at church comments that I look like I am about to blow away: I am obviously dropping pounds. 

I’m wishing I could be caught up in the wind and carried away. Where’s Elijah’s fiery flying chariot and horses (II Kings 2:11) when you really need ‘em?