Chapter 14. Some light

"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." 

- Leonard Cohen, Selected Poems, 1956-1968

I refuse to stop looking for love. One source I keep going back to is God’s Word, and during this time of summer into fall 1997 I look for any bits of “truth.” I want some words to pour light into my darkness. 

When wishing for a poison that I could get my hands on and be done with this life, but realizing (with some resentment) that God wants me to stick around on earth, I think of -

"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me: and I do not know which to choose, but I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better, yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake." Philippians 1:21-24

When wanting to go to alcohol or attachments (substitutes for tending to deeper needs) -

 "and do not get drunk with wine, for that is excess, but be filled with the Spirit." Ephesians 5:18

From my journaling:

“The Strong’s Concordance definition of the Greek word “filled” is: to make replete, i.e. literally - to cram (as in, a net), to level up (a hollow), to furnish (imbue, diffuse, influence), to satisfy... 
This is the experience I want - God to completely fulfill me! 
I can understand this with my head, but to live it is another matter. To give up the pleasurable sensations of an alcoholic buzz, or of the thrill of being thought sexy by provocative dress or talk, or desiring an inordinate amount of appreciation, is tough for me.

When feeling like a prisoner to my own mind -

"But I am afflicted and in pain. May Thy salvation, O God, set me securely on high....

The humble have seen it and are glad. You who seek God, let your heart REVIVE. For the Lord hears the needy, and does not despise His who are prisoners."  Psalm 69:29, 32-33

When hoping desperately for different -

"Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth, will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert."  Isaiah 43:18-19

When feeling self-pity about being depressed, darkly wayward, or purposeless -

“Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’ Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?”  Romans 9:20-21 

“Every day is a new life. Seize it. Live it.” 

– David Guy Powers