Chapter 21. Mad

I journal about being mad.

Feb 17, 1998 I feel so mad at Gregg. For no additional reason, unless I think about a couple of his comments, like saying I had a trump card now. 

o    I'm mad that he didn't tell me what he needed all along the way.

o    I'm mad that he chose such stupid behavior that's so destructive,

o    I'm mad that he's loved another woman, that he was so inconsiderate of me, that he could f*** another woman, that he talked about me and us with her instead of with me.

I think I'm trying to be mad where I ought to be - I've been afraid to be mad at Gregg much ‘cause I feel I NEED Gregg so - so instead I've been being mad at God.

Yesterday I determined with God that I would only NEED Him (God, that is) and want Gregg (but not NEED him so anymore), that I would face pain straight on rather than trying to dull it with alcohol, or approval, or whatever. I think some of those redirections in thought will make a difference. Also I talked with Pam yesterday (who knows God, is a counselor, has been through something similar). That was so good - and she prayed with me over the phone.

Feb 23, 1998 I feel so mad today! I'm trying to chill out, sometimes though it just gets to me. I think - the bastard! I don't deserve this kind of treatment. And Gregg wouldn't disagree with me. At the very same time I feel like hitting him, I also feel like hugging him. It is so weird to feel this intense dividedness. It feels like an emotional whirlwind - everything's stirred up.

It's not that I dislike Gregg even - I am just mad and hurt - I still love him so much it hurts. I am forgiving him (I think it's a process), really I am, but I don't think that absolutely negates being mad at him. What he did was a very hurtful thing. I know that people make mistakes and I know too that I have made plenty...

We know we need counseling. Gregg even said so. An initial visit in late February with the first counselor does not go well. The counselor says to me about Gregg, “Doesn’t he have a great voice? It’s like a radio voice.” I am livid, and hurt – here is yet another who is drawn to Gregg over me.

We don’t go back to her. I start looking for a different therapist.

Life continues: I take Seth to the chiropractor, Becky to the orthodontist, Mark for consultation with the orthodontist, Dan to basketball practice; teach childbirth ed and breastfeeding classes; sing on the church music team; we buy a new bed and refinance the house; I make supper night after night.

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”

― Robert Frost

Chiropractic appointments are regular for upper back and neck pain. I ache on the outside and on the inside.

I weep: when alone and with Gregg, after sex ‘cause I think of them doing it.

DREAM. Mar 3, 1998. Gregg and I run into Allure at the library and she hardly even acknowledges our presence.

March 3, 1998 marks the last day I work at CompuTrek, after nearly five years of part-time work for Steve and Allure. Even though it’s yet another loss, it feels good to be done with them.