Chapter 20. The tell

“The future is a construct that is shaped in the present… What is important is not the fulfillment of one’s dreams, but the stubborn determination to continue dreaming…

The world will continue, and whether we know it or not, we are deciding its course every day.”

-Gioconda Belli, The Country Under My Skin

Late in 1997 it seems apparent to Gregg that I have put him on a pedestal of some sort; he says to me, “You need a real God.” In early December I ask for a month of no contact between my unreal ‘god’ husband and my ‘best’-friend-turned-enemy. I am in a funk, feeling jealous and mad (finally!), frustrated with investing in the relationship and with adjusting to Gregg. Of course, I still care deeply about him and us.

Plus Gregg is not his usual mostly cheerful self.

Dec 23, 1997.  I'm praying for Gregg. He's kinda bummed, said he was depressed or had a down day, even made a comment that "things are falling apart." He can hardly put into words what's bothering him, so of course I’ve tried guessing a bit, but can't go too far with questions or it'll really irritate him. I think it's mostly mid-life looking at “are the choices I've made good ones? Do I want to be this person still or do I want to make changes?” Maybe he’s concerned about the economy, and the debt we have in our mortgage? Most of the time he's fine with that stuff and content at our situation, but sometimes it just gets to him.

Worse comes – for us both – before we get to better.

On Thursday, January 29, 1998, Gregg tells me that he and Allure have been intimate over the course of two years (to be more specific – me, ever the stickler for accuracy – it was 2.5 years).

I am hurt and grieved and abhorred. He takes Friday afternoon off and we talk and lay together and make love and begin to attempt to rebuild. 

"Hope begins in the dark, 
the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, 
the dawn will come. 

You wait and watch and work: 
You don't give up." 

~Anne Lamott

I talk with Allure on the phone. She tells me she was throwing up all day worrying about me (I’m thinking it isn't so much worry about me: it is grief over the whole situation and her own troubles). I am so torn. I love both Gregg and Allure and am so mad at them both. And I hurt horribly. I also hurt for them because I know they are suffering too. I know that it rips Gregg up inside to hear me weep. The tears are not an attempt to manipulate him, truly just my deep pain spilling out.

A few days later I am still in shock, but write that I’m starting to deal with the grief some. We go to see the movie Titanic – I think it’ll be a good diversion. I am wrong: it is heart wrenching, because much of it is an affair love story that romanticizes illicit love. It makes me think of the passion that Gregg and Allure shared, and about them having sex and truly enjoying each other in all ways. It feels like torture and I know that I shouldn’t be thinking of them together. It's just so hard not to. 

I’m fighting feelings of fear of God (what will God do next to me?), yet feel that God is trying to penetrate my thoughts with love, enormity, and sovereignty.

Col 1:15-17 “And He is the image of the invisible God... For in Him all things were created... all things have been created through Him and for Him... in Him all things hold together.”

We start to deal with some of the fall-out. Gregg takes a leave of absence from teaching the high school Sunday School class after he tells his story to the four elders and pastor of the church. 

On February 5, 1998, at suppertime Gregg tells the kids, that because of some personal reasons, he's taking a break from teaching. We want to wait to tell them the whole story. Becky already has too much with which to deal around her past abuse, and with pain of broken families (being an adolescent girl whose best friend has divorced parents after the dad left for another woman). Gregg plans to tell Seth soon what really happened; we want to wait for the right time in the future to tell the two younger boys. We  feel that a tendency toward sexual or sensual sin is in both Gregg and me, and we determine it may be helpful to be straight with the kids regarding our experiences and temptations so that maybe they can be more alert and not make the same mistakes.

I continue to go back and forth with God. As I am lying in bed one morning, talking things through with God, I am given the phrase "I will restore."  

I recall and read again portions of the ancient book of Job: Satan asks for permission to test Job, "Does Job fear God for nothing? Have you not made a hedge about him and his house.....blessed the work of his hands.....but put forth you hand now and touch all that he has and he will surely curse You to your face."

God gives Satan “permission,” Job’s friends talk with and accuse Job of wrongdoing, Job insists on his innocence. I journal:

Feb 5, 1997

Chapters 38-42 are the greatest.

God answers Job, "Where were you when the foundation of the earth was laid? Tell Me, if you have understanding. Who set its measurements......"

And God goes on and on about what He's done and how great He is. And it's truth! God is incredible and we know nothing compared to Him. So, after Job and God dialogue, God restores his wealth and family and all.

Job 42:10 says, "And the Lord restored the fortunes of Job… and the Lord increased all that Job had twofold."

       

I heard God say to me this morning – “I will restore.”

“Oh break my heart, break it again. So I can love even more again.”

-Sufi