Chapter 24. Emotional grappling

Summer of 1998 includes much emotional work and attempts at getting to know myself and my reality.

I have some of my first exposures to mindfulness and try to move toward acceptance of self. A dream and some author's ideas also help me let go, at least a little, of an overactive preoccupation with self. 

Awareness is the first step to making new choices.

Use mindfulness to cope with pain and anxiety. If you feel anxious feelings arising inside, try to witness them (take 3 deep breaths, and then pay attention to what is happening in your mind).

Instead of getting stuck in judging, be the observer.

By not engaging the mind in battle, by watching and letting go, it will soon become quiet.

DREAM. July 22, 1998. Taproot.

I see a weed that needs to be pulled. When I give it a slight tug, the whole plant/root comes up, out of the basement – it is a long root, 12-14 feet in length, but it all comes up, wholly and completely out. I am surprised: usually pulling weeds is harder, and tap roots break off rather than come out intact. I am aware of God doing it.

I ponder this dream and take it as assurance that I can cease striving and know that God will “do it.” God will work in me to remove the taproot of habitual egoic self that wills to be first, to be god. Once a counselor said to me, “I have good news and bad news: there is a God, and you are not it.”

Leanne Payne writes,

“The desire on the part of the created to be as the Creator is the deepest taproot of pride…

 To walk in the Spirit is to cease striving in our own strength and goodness, and to walk in His…

To walk in the Spirit is to live in the present moment, always looking to Christ, always practicing His Presence, always moving in tandem with Him…

“And I will betroth you to Me forever:…, In lovingkindness and in compassion,

And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord.” -Hosea 2:19-20 NAS

I also feel the weed dream somehow addresses the taproot of non-acceptance, related to pride, within me. God will remove the depressive root of hatred of self, and enable me to find and accept the person that is me.

More of Payne’s words --

"In rejecting and hating herself, she had fallen into pride.. She wanted to be good enough on her own…

"The humble acceptance of myself as fallen but now justified by Another who is my righteousness is the basis on which I can accept myself, learn to laugh at myself, be patient with myself. And then wonder of wonders, be enabled for at least part of the time to forget myself. 

"Humble yourselves - feeling very insignificant - in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.

He will lift you up and make your lives significant" (James 4:10 Amplified)."

June and July hold full schedules. 

We attend and assist with showers and weddings: of Katy and Ryan, Jeremy and Melissa, Natalie and Scott, Sarah and Andrew. 

Gregg and I trek to our two-hour counseling sessions with Maureen nearly every other week and endure the awkward and often painful debriefs as we drive home. 

We host a German student for a couple of weeks; it is his family to which Seth will visit the following summer and the reason Seth works to make money in order to take that school trip to Germany (Seth rises early to work the Sheldahl factory line and mows the Lindenwood grounds). 

Seth also hangs out with friends into wee hours of the morning. 

Becky has orthodontic appointments, goes to camp, auditions for Northfield youth choir, takes drivers ed. 

Mark and Dan have soccer practices and games and tournaments; Dan has band lessons, Mark helps mow. 

Gregg goes on his annual boundary waters canoe and fishing trip: one in this summer includes Mark, Becky, Seth, and friends.

In addition to managing six people’s schedules, there’s much grappling with familial emotional upheaval.

July 26, 1998.

Becky and I cried together yesterday over hurts. She says she'll never get married 'cause there's no guy out there trustworthy or decent....I tried assuring her that there may be a good match for her, or maybe God will keep her single, but in whatever happens, she can know that God will take care of her... and after our conversation I went upstairs and wept over some of hardship and hurts that we've brought on our kids by our mistakes and asked God to heal the hurts and 'give back the years the locusts have eaten.

Seth is feeling rather depressed, unhappy with himself…

Gregg talked with his brother John this week and asked him to do counseling (with our therapist) and John said yes… If he does start into counseling, it'd be a step toward restoring relationship... Also this week, Gregg's been frustrated at work, moreso than usual, and bummed about finances and his past actions and the hurt he's brought to us...... he wept one night midweek.

Lots of tears here.