Chapter 30. Some relief

DREAM. Nov 8, 1998. Chased

I am doing some mediation between some friends having marital difficulties, when I come to the realization that I am naked. I leave them, feeling vulnerable and ‘out there’; I pick up a robe and put it on, and start trying to find my way back.

On my way, I am chased by some man/creature who has a gravely voice, like it is possessed or having monstrous strength. This man/creature is also after another person and while occupied with that other person I attempt to manipulate some metal fold-up ladder-type thing that he is on, in an attempt to ‘snap’ him off. Unsuccessful, I take off, through a back hallway of a theater/stage where there are lots of clothes and clutter. But I am moving very sluggishly, can hardly take a step, and am trying to pull on the racks of clothes to move a few inches forward. I am aiming for a door (a few steps up, looks rather like the steps in the back room of the kitchen to the stage of the front of the church of my youth) when I feel that surely I am doomed, that the monster will ‘get’ me. 

All of a sudden it occurs to me that God is the One who will protect me, that I need to rely on God to save me in whatever situation (and this one seems life-threatening); thinking, oh yah, when in trouble, cry out to God’!

So, I do, saying “this one’s yours God - I’m going nowhere.” 

And then I wake up. I journal the following.

November 8, 1998

Praise you Lord for the gift of love that you’re penetrating my subconscious while dreaming. It seems to me that you care enough to use my dreams to speak to some of my fears that I can hardly acknowledge while awake. Praise You, for again giving me a picture that You will do it and do it all! There is no salvation in myself, my efforts are nothing, get me nowhere, in fact, may only keep me in danger.

In the midst of feeling like a failure, I’m wishing for some sort of success or “normal,” I think, in my recording of this quote in mid-November.

November 13, 1998

To laugh often and much

win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children

earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure betrayal of false friends

appreciate beauty, to find the best in others
leave the world a bit better 

        whether by a healthy child, 

        a garden patch, 

        or a redeemed social condition

know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.                                                             

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

But Gregg’s and my “normal” doesn’t often include laughter or seeming success. We discuss, argue, talk until we mostly understand each other; we hold each other, we express our regrets. 

We assert we’ll get though the pain.

November 16, 1998

After church and lunch, Gregg and I laid in bed a short while together holding each other (after talking through some more of my stuff with his parents, I expressed, through tears, that he's turned my world upside down....every day, several times a day, I think of the affair and deal with much pain).

I wonder if I'm really want he wants, if I should change, I wonder who he is and if I even know him anymore.

He expressed that every day he also thinks of the pain he's caused and he hurts and wishes he could undo it and wishes that he'd never have done it. When he expresses his sorrow like that, I do really feel for him too - it's tough dealing with the consequences... his kids, like me, think maybe he really doesn't care all that much about us, if he was willing to risk it all for some 'momentary' pleasure. 

Gregg said that sometimes he thinks it'd be kinder to us all if he just left - we wouldn't have the continual pain of dealing with seeing him and thinking of his past choices if he was out of the picture. 

I said that that would be far worse - that yes, there is pain with seeing him and thinking of him with her - but that for him to leave me and the kids would be devastating and would send a message of abandonment and rejection that he wouldn't want to convey. 

We'll get through the pain and make it all work. We do love each other much.

“We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain.”

-Alan Watts

There is a good day or two sprinkled in. On my birthday I feel appreciated and loved, and am much aware of people being thoughtful, including – and especially – Gregg. 

This husband of mine can give some great gifts.

November 22, 1998

Gregg gave me a couple of symbolic gifts that so touched me. Besides the usual French mints, he gave me a book, and a video (Pretty Woman) for which I got his intended meaning - that he wants to be my 'Prince Charming' again and give all of himself. AND he gave me a print of Norman Rockwell's 'A Marriage License' that matches the figurine and a plate of the same image we got for our wedding. The kids broke the plate years ago playing ball in our bedroom, but we've had the figurine in our bedroom since day one. His giving me the print says 'I really do want to make good on my promise, please give me another chance.' 

I nearly gasp when I see the print, and then tear up. I go to him and let him hold me, all while the kids are watching.