Chapter 36. Glimmers

In mid-July 1999 Gregg and I go to the Basilica Block party.

After paying our admission fees, we
 - stroll the walled-off blocks amidst the other party goers; 
 - listen to the music of Del Amitri, Los Lobos, and Bruce Hornsby; 
 - dole out $3 for each beer or wine (which was difficult for cheap me, but Gregg, being infinitely better at letting go of a few bucks every now and then, said, “let's splurge!”).

While Bruce Hornsby performs I doze a tiny bit even though I am standing up, and within 10 yards of the speakers. Gregg says there’s now a new, even higher 'standard' for me for where I can fall asleep - standing in a crowd at an outdoor concert, nearly immediately in front of blaring sound! My story is that I’m ridiculously sleep deprived, and I’m stickin’ to it.

Those dreamy moments with Gregg are a delicious experience: leaning on his chest and into his warmth, listening to good music and the hum of the crowd, enjoying perfect weather, feeling mellow from the wine. It is a lovely time. 

Looking back I wonder if it was almost a defining moment for Gregg in convincing him that we can do fun together again. We can be grateful for each other!

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, 

but the parent of all the others. 

-Cicero

I go on a private retreat; getting away by myself helps energize and heal me, at least some.

July 26, 1999. Retreat at Mount Olivet. 

A glimmer of shimmer is how I’ll remember my time with you, God - Like Sleeping Beauty was awakened from her deep slumber by a kiss, so You too have ‘kissed’ me, Your own, to life! 

You have awakened my slumbering spirit! 
Like Cinderella and Beauty had their princes who brought them into a new life, co-reigners over their kingdoms, so you too have brought me into a new life of ‘spirit’, grace and truth, and freedom. You have clothed me in flowing white linen/silk, adorned me in the velvet of royalty; that is, your very own qualities, your very own self  
(Col 3:12-14 ‘....and so, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience;  bearing with one another, and forgiving each other....and put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.”)

The realization that you, God, actually ‘speaks’ (communicates) with me is endearingly significant! My awareness of that started with Maureen saying “that was from God’ as she referred to the picture of mud pots that I got as I repeated the ‘truth’ of “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) to myself. 

Now it continues with the pictures and messages You send via dreams (falling out of cliff-like cave opening 11/97, taproot dream 7/22/98, being chased 11/8/98, truck without brakes, young crushed, dragon dream 1/99, swampy female 6/14/99); and with the books you bring my way; and with the quiet voice in my thoughts and the pictures you continue to give as you communicate with me.  

I praise you.

Allure and I have occasional email contact. She responds to a few of my words.

July 21, 1999

My words, in an email:

>yet, even through all the deception, it seems to me that you were not at all happy about the duplicity in befriending me, yet ultimately choosing Gregg... hmmmm....

Allure’s words, in a return email:

I'm not asking for sympathy, but yes, it was a terrible feeling. I genuinely cared for you as a friend, but I let my own "needs" and desires push that aside. I genuinely cared for Gregg too, but I didn't keep that within bounds and demonstrated it in a totally inappropriate (and wrong) way. 

I'm *pretty* sure I've learned from this and wouldn't do it again (on the other hand, I'm trying not to underestimate my capacity for self-deception), but all I can say looking back is that my needs were screaming louder than my conscience, and I just gave in. 

I guess I really didn't have a lot of inner resources either emotionally or spiritually. 

I still can't quite explain it-- that I cared very much for you and your friendship (and for your kids & family), yet was having an affair with your husband. 

It just doesn't add up. I still cry when I tell people what a creep I was to do this to a friend, whom (all appearances to the contrary) I really loved.

Such a lot of lies. 

During much of this summer I frequently go to the front of the sanctuary for prayer when our substitute pastor Roger Shantz gives the invitation after the sermon.

So many prayers. 

So many tears.

The heart is wiser than the intellect.

-Josiah Holland (1819-1881)

Truth gets revealed shortly.

Chapter 35. Summer

After Seth’s graduation and open house, summer activities include 

• Gregg’s annual trip to the boundary waters; 
• boys going to soccer practices and games or reffing; kids hanging out with friends; 
• me gardening, reading, praying, church volunteering, talking with Jan; 
• me and the kids engaging in our annual tradition of lounging by the pool in Storm Lake for a few days.

Seth travels to Europe for his German class trip. I am touched by his observations of the Swiss Alps. (I always enjoy Seth’s writing.)

July 1, 1999  ..... during the hike we were talking about a corny video we saw in german class last year about switzerland.  

in it, the narrator says "God wasn't kidding when he made the Alps."  it's kind of funny, but it's true . . . they really are some of the most beautiful things i've ever seen, and somehow, when you're standing on a giant rock protruding out of a 40 degree lake, looking up *another* 3000 feet to a snow covered peak, you feel smaller. somehow, walking across a dam at 7:30 in the morning, and only being able to see 50 feet down to terraces that look like the 9 circles of hell, you feel smaller. 

when you're hanging on a rope tied to a metal hook shorter than a foot, and your hands are gripping nothing but thin air, you feel smaller. somehow nature that big reminds you of what the Bible says- the wonders of God are apparent in Nature to anybody that looks.

somehow i felt closer to God.

        odd, that.

        seth

Gregg and I continue with counseling. During an early July session, Maureen has us identify some weaknesses in our relationship from even before the affair started. It's always both partners that have work to do, never just one – it takes two to tango, and usually two to make a relationship either bad or good – and we both need to give attention to hurts, wrong attitudes, actions.

July 2, 1999

Talked through some of the conflicts as of late 

* Our interactions re: affair hurts

We talked about how I can express my hurt without damaging Gregg, instead allowing him to more easily hear my hurt and minister to me. 
On Sat eve, in Rochester, we were in a bookstore and Gregg picked up a book on poetry. I said, “You haven’t had an interest in poetry in awhile” in a way that had undertones of my hurt and subconscious intention of wanting him to know I was hurt, and that he heard as harsh and rather snide. Maureen talked us through another way to approach it - I could gently say something like, “Even you picking up that book makes me hurt about the past,” and Gregg could respond with “I understand, and I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you.”

I was reassured that to still hurt the way I do is understandable....Maureen said “an affair is death to a marriage,” -- an incredibly hard thing to endure.

* We also talked about the weaknesses in our marriage before the affair -

1) spiritual dynamics between us - 
 - Gregg felt controlled, pushed around, manipulated, inadequate spiritually. 
I’ve felt undervalued, neglected (wanted to pray, have devotions). 
He’s also felt put down for his style of communicating spiritual things (more relational, spontaneous), since it was different than Dee’s, and not the traditional ‘church-y’ way of goals, scheduled plans, daily doing.

 - In the present, I have felt hurt, sad, even resentful that Gregg wasn’t appreciating (at least to my satisfaction) what God has gifted me with, or my sensitivities (some for his benefit) toward God. Maureen informed us that it would make good sense for God to give Gregg a ‘prophet’ in me (i.e., someone who flows in the Spirit, maybe with insight, discernment, or knowledge gifts?) to balance and aid him in his pastoral gifting. 
And that it would do him well to take advantage of my input - it’s a gift from God. Also, Maureen suggested that I explore being mentored in spirit things.

2) sexual dynamics - Maureen asked us to share in a word what our sexual relationship was like before affair. Gregg said “alone,” I said ‘exciting’ (not ecstatic, but good; he pleasured me, and I loved satisfying him). Re: his statement of ‘alone’ – he observed that we connected, but not at the same time. One of my problems is that after we had/have sex I felt/feel like Gregg ‘abandons’ me. Maureen referred to that self-absorption (which likely stems from my childhood feelings of abandonment and neglect) as narcissism, and encouraged Gregg and I to pray together for ‘narcissistic’ healing of early childhood memories.

Often the only thing that can break down your natural egocentricity is discovering that the qualities you hate in others are actually within you. 

– Richard Rohr

On this July 2 counseling session Maureen explains that healing of hurtful memories can occur by recalling the memory vividly: picture it, enter into it with all the senses and emotions, and when the pain level is high, begin to see Jesus in the memory, watch with spirit eyes what Jesus does (does Jesus deal with the offender, is Jesus with you in the situation, does Jesus take you out of the situation, does Jesus hold you, offer words?). 

Stay with the picture until you feel release. If still in pain afterwards, it could be oppression from the enemy (so pray accordingly) or could be that God is still working on ‘it’ and cleansing. 

She gives us assignments.

·          Pray together for healing of memories (long-past and near-past).

·          Re: sexuality - Ask God to reveal the openings that we’ve given the evil one in the misuse of sex, areas of sexual uncleanness and twists/perversion (i.e. alcohol, porn/lust, getting abandonment issues met through Gregg and sex rather than God, getting inadequacy needs met through Dee and sex rather than God...) and then asking God to seal off any entrances for continued uncleanness, and cleanse our imaginations, and grow our sexual relationship in nurturance and in being the symbolic picture of our union with God.

·          Do home communion and bring the memory/memories to communion, exchanging my wound for his wholeness. “I give you my pain, impart to me your life...thank you that you shed your blood for me, that you broke your body for me”

“The broken hearted are indeed the bravest among us –

they dared to love and they dared to forgive.”

-Brene Brown

Chapter 34. Graduation

Life seems tough. Wisely I go looking for support from another adult with whom I might vent. I find friend Jan, who seems to me to be truly empathetic and caring, healthy and godly, nonjudgmental.

May 18, 1999

Yesterday morning, I felt soooo broken-hearted, I could hardly stand it... 

I talked a long time with Jan and felt unburdened and cared about... 

and I didn't have to tell it all to Gregg (he hurts alot too, and it's not great for him to hear repeatedly how much I hurt). 

Also Gregg and I are talking and connecting a bit more – we keep learning more of what the other needs or prefers. 

We're getting there. 
Sure is a long road though.

Dream. May 20, 1999.  A toddler gets out of my reach (possibly my own child?). 
Baby kittens and dogs try to get out the door whenever it opens...

I try, in vain, to get them all to stay in or go back in, to contain them... I try to close the door, but have the horrible feeling like I am crushing them (or some of them) under the door as I am trying to close it,

and some are getting away.

Observation/interpretation: upon awaking I have the sense that God wants me to not fret about that which is out of reach. 
Do what I can and do it in His power. Leave the rest to Him. Don’t force hard-to-contain offspring to stay contained- may crush them under the effort/door. 

[Later addition: toddler self may indicate my unrestrained tendencies, baby animals may represent similar instinctual uncontained responses.]

It’s a ridiculously busy season of life: we are readying for Seth’s graduation open house and his German trip and doing college preparations for him. I’m “pretty overwhelmed.” 

Mostly doing okay, I say in my journal. I continue my processing with God. 

I cling to the hope of God doing "something new" in my life.

May 23, 1999

This preoccupation of believing untruth about myself (that I am unloved, shameful, alone) has hindered me from being enamored and absorbed with God. What is actually happening is that I am being made NEW - in HIM, with HIM, because of HIM....He is the great I AM.

Isaiah 43:19 “Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth, will you not be aware of it?  I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.”

Ezek 37:5-6 “Thus says the Lord God to these bones,” Behold, I will cause breath (spirit) to enter you that you may come to life.”

Add to the chaos? Steve wants to meet with Gregg. 

Gregg responds, 

May 26, 1999, Gregg to Steve via email -

Steve, I have thought about you wanting to meet and talked it over with some close friends and my counselor and they agree with that unless this meeting would be productive, unlike the previous encounters we have had, it should not happen. They and I feel that you have had a chance to vent your thoughts and anger, so the next step would be reconciliation or restoration, and I'm not sure that's what you're after with this.

I know this will never go away, and I am very sorry for all the pain I have caused everyone in all of this. Dee and I have been working hard to patch things up on our end, I can only pray that you and Allure will as well.

I guess if you think a meeting is necessary then I would need to know what the agenda is for this meeting before I get there and I will have at least one other person with me to do some mediating. I would suggest that you also have someone there for you.

The meeting of Gregg and Steve does not happen. Thankfully.

[Fast forward a couple of years – another drama is averted, but is still certainly stressful in the moment: Gregg gets served a subpoena on September 20, 2001, to testify at Hartke’s custody trial, but for a reason I don’t recall he doesn’t have to appear at trial.]

Back to our first-born’s graduation open house. Oh, and news of more cancerous growth.

June 1, 1999

I'm rather stressed with his open house and company this weekend. I keep working at talking myself through it - it's not a big deal, what gets done gets done, everything will go fine... stuff like that. I did spend some time yesterday thinking through the details - so I feel a bit better today.

Also, Mom has a suspicious growth on the site where she had breast cancer. She should find out more in the next few days or so.

Seth's graduation open house happens in early June. It goes well, though weather was extremely hot and our small house crowded and stuffy without air-conditioning. 

I’m glad to have it done. 

Now we get Seth ready for his trip to Germany (for which he worked diligently in the summer previous at a factory to raise the funds, enduring scant sleep, bulking up his depression; on the plus side he did contribute an idea to the factory to increase effectiveness – that boy, always thinking). 

Chapter 33. Grief work

Every day is a journey,

and the journey itself is

home.

– Matsuo Basho

Narrow Road to the Interior: And Other Writings

Life goes on. I keep saying that, don’t I? It seems like life ought to stop to allow for my heartache. Instead, we keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Saturday, March 13, 1999, the day after we come back from Iowa for dad’s funeral, finds Gregg and me with Seth at St. Olaf from 8am until 2pm for Scholars’ Day. Seth interviews for a Regents Scholarship: $6,000 in financial relief for most, but for us with Gregg’s 65%-off tuition benefit, the honor is worth just $500. 

[We learn later that he receives the scholarship; still he decides that Carleton is a better fit.] 

Mid-afternoon contains a headache, with me taking a pain-killer and napping. After some late afternoon writing of some thank you notes (for food contributed and memorials given for my dad), the evening includes supper together. Becky’s boyfriend Mike joins us after their afternoon movie watching.

  

In this week after Dad’s funeral, we continue with counseling. Gregg has a session with Maureen that John attends. I’m not happy about us covering the $300 cost of the counseling, but we do: to pay for the counseling is better than not doing the counseling. In searching for some of the underpinnings of the affair – of what contributed to Gregg’s move toward rebellion – we discern that the grief and abhorrence of Becky’s loss of childhood innocence has had a role in the marital straying. Gregg especially felt powerless and angry about it.

So he and we need to work through the John stuff. I deal with Becky’s abuse with my usual coping mechanism: by obtaining information. I start into the book Child Abuse Trauma. I want to understand how Becky has been affected and also understand my own childhood ‘trauma’ (though I don’t think I’d been overtly sexually abused, I am aware that parental emotional neglect feels to me like a kind of abuse). I am taking a 100-day break, per Maureen’s suggestion, from alcohol. On March 17, I am at day 53 (yes, I’m counting).

It’s nearly prom season and Becky wants to shop for a prom dress. I figure it’ll be good for me to be distracted with other things than loss; we go and have a good time shopping.

The weekend finds us back in Storm Lake. Mom wants to go through Dad’s clothes, and there’s always work on the house that handyman Gregg tends to.

The next week --

March 22, 1999

To Gregg via email: And thanks for sticking with me - I'm terribly sorry that I'm still needy...that I still struggle with this depression stuff - I hate it for me and for you...I'm so *sick* of it - sometimes I just want out.

Please don't personalize my anger and sadness - I have some issues to work through and they do involve you and your family and me - but it really is my problem to find my way through, mine to figure out - I'm sorry that you end up suffering some of the negative consequences (like feeling hurt when I have a hard time with your parents, and other stuff).

I have both emotional distress and physical distress. 

I get a diagnosis of fibromyalgia in the late 1990s. There’s also headaches. March 24, 25, and 26 of 1999 are headache days – I throw up a couple of times on the second day: once at home before going to work, once at work in the mid-morning. I sleep in the afternoon before picking up the kids from school. Some headache relief after the nap feels good. Youth group leader is over for supper that night of March 25. After supper I work on Seth’s scrapbook – I want to have it ready for his graduation, less than two months away. Only a mild headache on day 3. Looking forward to a massage that night: maybe tension in my muscles is contributing to the headaches?

It’s late March, spring break. Becky exchanges her 16-year old birthday present of an amethyst ring for a pretty little diamond. Danny, Becky, Seth all have friends overnight. It’s noisy, with music thumping on main level and also in Becky’s second-floor room next to my bedroom where I’m attempting to escape. I shower and go to bed early; try to read but fall asleep.

Life feels burdensome.

I am aware that I need to either go looking for fun or learn to better enjoy the present moment.

“Still, what I want in my life

is to be willing

to be dazzled –

to cast aside the weight of facts

And maybe even

to float a little

above the difficult world

I want to believe I am looking 

into the white fire of a great mystery.

I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing --

that the light is everything -- that it is more

than the sum of each flawed blossom rising

and fading. And I do.

-          Mary Oliver

March 30, 1999, is an exciting day. Becky passes her driving test! Plus Merri and Ron Swanson have a baby girl and I get to be present as supportive doula.

March 31, 1999

Becky took her driving test to get her license yesterday afternoon and she was sooo nervous - she knew that she couldn't parallel park well and that she might have some trouble doing a 90-degree back into a drive. Well, she got a kind elderly gentleman who was in a good mood, and even though Becky was "kinda far" (Becky's words) from the curb on the parallel parking, and one other time in parking at the curbside, and even though it was too windy for her to do her 90-degree backup (the wind kept blowing the examiner's flags down!) -- he PASSED her! 

Isn't that marvelous - it's almost unheard of for those license guys to give any grace... we're convinced that God was being so kind and gracious to us.

The gift of Becky passing her driving test comes during a time of her feeling awkward and mad at herself. She knows that her boyfriend wants to kiss her and she kinda wants to kiss him, but has avoided it so far. My take is that she has some understandable hesitancies.

I have SO MUCH anger against John and the misery he’s brought upon Becky and our family.

Yet there’s also some misery relief. I record that Gregg tells me, on this last day of March at lunch, that I am pretty, and he offers the healing statement of

"I was a fool - I'm sorry" (about the affair).

On a Friday in early April, as we do each spring, Gregg and I uncover flower beds and rake and pick up leaves and branches to take to the city composting area. I trim and prune plants and bushes. Gregg works at the shop, making the rest of the doors for our kitchen cabinets. In the evening we go out for dessert with Tiltras. Saturday holds more work. In general, we work lots: Gregg does side jobs, I do touch-up painting and other household jobs. There’s always work to be done.

Saturday evening we go to a Michael Card concert – time off! Sunday morn breakfast at church includes serving, then over to friends for dinner, and finally, for Gregg, Becky, and me a trip to Nerstrand State Park in the afternoon and early evening to walk trails. Headaches accompany me, but at least they are mostly mild.

The middle of April finds me tired, and going to a chiropractor for my neck and back pain and a hope of relief from the headaches.

Gregg and I keep working at relationship: I have a session with Maureen April 19, 1999. It’s just me this time.

April 20, 1999

A new development that sent a knife through my heart - Gregg talked in his sleep early Sat morn - graphic words of sex with Allure (he used her name, spoken very clearly)... so it's hard for me not to think that that is what he is wanting, at least on some level - and it hurts so hard.

The only other times that I've heard him talk clearly in his sleep have been similar words, again sex with Allure, in November of 1997 (when he was pulling away from her and their relationship and deciding to 'come home' (his words) - he told me about the extent of their relationship in January 1998, a couple of months later.

But, I recognize that having me hear those words (of f*** talk in his sleep) could be fueled by the evil one - to throw a wrench in everything.  
So, I'm considering all angles, and asking God for discernment, comfort, and His love.

I’m also keeping my antennae up.

I struggle with anger some more. 

Danny has a band concert on April 29, and I posit that we’ll likely see Allure and Steve since their eldest daughter is also a 5^th grader. I don’t plan on talking with them, but it still brings up intense feelings and much anger as I remember different things that were said or done.

May 3, 1999, Email to Gregg;

A quote that I take to heart....

Do not praise yourself nor slander others:

There are still many days to go

and anything could happen.

–Kabir

Thanks for talking things through with me honey... thanks for being willing to work on knowing me and making yourself known to me. I want to be one with you (without losing ourselves, but instead enhancing each other). 

Thanks too for initiating prayer last night - it soothes me, makes me feel protected and loved and more secure - to have that bond with you, to together go to God and trust Him alone, to share His love with each other.

It feels like Gregg is not as available as I think I need, but I’m feeling like I am needing more than any person can give. He seems preoccupied and has his own stuff to work through. I want to be understanding and supportive, but instead feel more like a burden as I struggle through fears, insecurities, depressive thinking.

Mothers Day, May 10, 1999, starts with disappointment but gets better. I get sweet notes from Becky and Danny.

Becky writes,

"I know that I can always turn to you in times of confusion for words of wisdom. 

I know I can always cling to you when I'm scared.  

And I know that if I have questions you will answer them without judging me for asking. You are the definition of a great mother.  

When I look around at my friend's moms I honestly see all of their best qualities combined in you. 

You've been so supportive and understanding. For the last 16 years you've emptied yourself to fill me up with a love for God, and a compassion for others in this world...

I thank you for being compassionate and understanding enough to work hard and keep our family together and one that I so fully enjoy each day and can so easily be proud of. Thanks again for being yourself.  I couldn't ask for anything more in a mom."

Danny writes,

"thank you for making meals for us, for reading to me, for taking care of my wounds, for being so gentle, and for knowing what I am thinking"  

I am touched. 

[A note from much later, about the sweetness of mother-child relationship: Rebekah gifts me with beautiful meaningful icons, purchased from  Central American artists, of mother and child symbols; the lovely pottery or stoneware moves me each time I gaze upon or hold them, and the relationship behind the gift moves me so much more deeply. I have the BEST daughter and am unexplainably grateful for her. I am grateful for all my kids, truly.]

Chapter 32. Gifts and heartache

"You own everything that happened to you.

Tell your stories."

 - Anne Lamott

Life and gifts are part of our everyday, and so too are death and heartache.

Travel to Europe with Dad and siblings in early January is a good time, and Gregg gets major points for sending me a dozen roses on our 19^th anniversary while I’m away in Paris. I attempt to bring home the drying roses and tall beautiful vase protected by my pillow in my carry-on, but get stopped by Customs in Detroit and have to give up the roses. My naivety almost causes us to miss our connecting flight, but we send Mike to run ahead and ask for the pilot to hold take off.

Heartache and despair are also with me, and I find respite in images of wings.

February 6, 1999

One of the visualizations that I’m fleshing out for myself and to share with women in May (for a talk, as You will Lord) is of Wings - flight, enfolding, softness, safety --

  Imagine - a warm blanket just out of the dryer, a goose down comforter completely surrounding you, the soft luxurious feel of fur or feathers against your skin, the feeling of safety when something or someone stronger than you supports and holds you, covers you...and now imagine that soft warm security as you relish the freedom that flight brings....imagine the thrill of riding on a ‘magic carpet’ enfolded by that warm and softness and safety, flying through the skies, able to go anywhere, do anything, released from all worries, relieved of all duties....set free.

- He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.  Ps 91:4

-Keep me as the apples of the eye (the pupil, the daughter of the eye); Hide me in the shadow of Your wings.. Ps 17:8

-How often I wanted to gather your children together, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings.. Matt 23:37, Luke 13:34

-..under whose wings you have come to seek refuge... Ruth 2:12

-You yourselves have seen what I did to the Egyptians, and how I bore you on eagles’ wings, and brought you to Myself .. Ex 19:4

-...He (God) encircled him, He cared for him, He guarded him as the pupil of His eye. Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that hovers over its young He spread His wings and caught them, He carried them on His pinions.  Deut 32:10b-11

-Those who wait for (hope in) the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings (sprout wings) like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.  Isa 40:31

Riding on the wings – with a hope of flying someday – is a picture that touches me deeply. I am most weary, so a suggestion to “sink down in your weariness and ride on the wings of omnipotence” is one I latch onto.

“you know how the eagles are taught the use of their wings.  

See yonder cliff rising a thousand feet out of the sea.  

See high up a ledge on the rock, where there is an eagle’s nest with its treasure of two young eaglets.  

See the mother bird come and stir up her nest, and with her beak push the timid birds over the precipice. 

See how they flutter and fall and sink toward the depths.  

See how she ‘flutters over her young, spreads abroad her wings (Deut 32:11- as God does for each of us “that hovers over its young, He spread His wings and caught them, He carried them on His pinions), 

and so as they ride upon her wings, she brings them to a place of safety. And so she does once and again, each time casting them out over the precipice and then again taking and carrying them.

Yes, the instinct of that eagle mother was God’s gift, a single ray of that love in which the Almighty trains His people to mount as on eagles wings.  

She stirs up your nest.  

He disappoints your hopes.  

He brings down your confidence.  

He makes you fear and tremble, and all your strength fails and your feel utterly weary and helpless.  

And all the while He is spreading His strong wings for you to rest your weakness on.  

All He asks is that you should sink down in your weariness and wait on Him and allow Him to carry you as you ride upon the wings of His omnipotence.” 

– Andrew Murray

Images and words comfort me. 

So does medication, maybe? I wonder about the medication though, so continue to attempt to wean off of Zoloft.

Gregg finds comfort and assurances in therapy and from God in February, hearing

“that He has something special or big for you - that He will accomplish His desire in you.”  

Becky also finds some self-assurance as a ‘cool’ guy becomes interested in her. We throw her a surprise birthday party for her sweet 16^th, and get some sweet appreciation in her words to us:

"I'm in love with my parents."

But Dad is failing fast.

Mom & Dad's house, 305 College St, SL, IA (torn down in 2016)

All of George’s kids, mostly us girls, are taking turns staying with him, a shift of a few days at a time. On February 24, I write that Dad is no longer able to get out of bed and hasn't been able to for about a week, that he seems more disoriented, that he vomited the day before, that he’s having a harder time taking his meds orally, and that in general he’s more inward. It is awful watching it all happen and so hurtful to think of him and mom suffering. I write, “God is sustaining though....I am finding Him sufficient.”

March 7, 1999

I'm home from Sunday school - but will go to church - I'm battling a virus, I think; either that or exhaustion. I threw up a number of times last night and once this morning and feel a bit flu-ish (weak, headachy, shaky) but do want to go to church this morning and share with the congregation what God did in and for DAD! Many of those people were praying for him and want to enjoy the work that God did! It is such a wonderful story! 

That Sunday night, March 7, I call 'home' around 6 PM and find out that dad is doing poorly (worse than when I left him just the day before). 

I pack and get things wrapped up so that I can be gone most of the week (pretty sure he’s close to death), and call back before I leave Northfield. His lungs are filling up, his breaths are raspy, so I kinda know that I’m not going to make it home before he dies, but want to go right away anyway.  Gregg drives me down to Storm Lake (and then he drives back to Northfield the same night - getting back at 3:30 AM); he is so supportive and good to me through all this. 

Sunday, March 7, 1999, Dad dies at 9:45 PM. I walk into his bedroom, with Sarah McLachlan’s song “In the arms of an angel” playing, and go to his lifeless body for a final and unreturnable hug.

Monday and Tuesday has us kids tending to the surprisingly copious details of planning for the funeral and visitation. Visitation happens on Wednesday and funeral on Thursday, March 10, at 10:30 AM. 

Fri, March 12, 1999

We came back late last night. A couple of other sisters are staying with Mom this weekend. I will go to Storm Lake next weekend again, to lessen the time that Mom is alone.

It's been really sad - Dad was a good man and well liked and he will be greatly missed. He was so tender towards the end - I will miss that and what could have been, along with his often fun disposition. The grandkids too will so miss him - they wrote him goodbye notes that were tear-jerkers...

Chapter 31. Recollection

"Let your soul stand cool and composed before a million universes." 
- Walt Whitman

I find some composure in the words of Psalm 139 that I commit to memory, along with comfort from other verses in Psalms.

November 1, 1998

A verse in Psalm 73 came to life in a new way 
"but as for me, the nearness of God is my good."  
God quickly brought to mind Romans 8:28 and my tendency to think of 'good' as pleasant, comfortable. I have come to the conclusion (at least in my head space, and God is working at getting it through to my heart) that 'pain is not the worst thing in the world, evil or separation from God is' - a statement that I've shared with Becky and Seth. All things work together for GOOD (nearness to God) to them that love God, who are called according to His purpose. 
It gives all this heartache some renewed meaning. Thank you God.

November 13, 1998 

And, some verses of Psalm 139 that I've been repeating to myself this week, when I've felt quite 'dark' inside (so tempted to despair, depression, and giving up - especially Mon through Wed):

"If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me, the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you, the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You." 
I am claiming this truth as my own! 

God lights me up in all ways: I visualize His radiant light all through me, originating from my center and radiating out in splendid rays, penetrating every part of me and creating for me even a radiant space all around me that Satan cannot access.

November 30, 1998 

I love the truth of 

"All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be"

"your thoughts of me, God, outnumber the sand" 

"you hem me in behind and before, you have laid your hand upon me" 

"darkness is not dark to you, the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you"

"Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain"!!

I have a year-end practice of looking over the past year and culling out the lessons. In January 1999 I record the realization that I: 
 - am all about self-effort, 
 - depend on others for affirmation, 
 - base my value on what I can get done. 
In my inner being I've doubted that I am an okay person (after all, I muse, my parents and sibs didn’t seem to be too crazy about me, so it must be that I’m deficient and defective), but I had held onto the idea that maybe I was an okay wife! When I learned how much my husband had loved another, I had to face squarely the idea that there was something lacking in my wife-ness. 

I felt so awful, abandoned, and full of self-pity (as Maureen pointed out in early November: such a tough thing to hear). 

But I’m going to God, my LIGHT, my force field, the One who radiates from within “for darkness is as light to You.” I believe that You really do LOVE me and want what is good for me “the nearness of God is my good” Psalm 72.

January 12, 1999

From Watchman Nee’s Sit, Walk, Stand - 
God is waiting for your store of strength to be utterly exhausted before he can deliver you. Once you have ceased to struggle, he will do everything... 
Stand, means “hold your ground”....thus today we do not fight for victory; we fight from victory. We do not fight in order to win but because in Christ we have already won.... It is all a matter of faith in him. 
If we believe the Lord, we shall not pray so much but rather we shall praise him more.

Chapter 30. Some relief

DREAM. Nov 8, 1998. Chased

I am doing some mediation between some friends having marital difficulties, when I come to the realization that I am naked. I leave them, feeling vulnerable and ‘out there’; I pick up a robe and put it on, and start trying to find my way back.

On my way, I am chased by some man/creature who has a gravely voice, like it is possessed or having monstrous strength. This man/creature is also after another person and while occupied with that other person I attempt to manipulate some metal fold-up ladder-type thing that he is on, in an attempt to ‘snap’ him off. Unsuccessful, I take off, through a back hallway of a theater/stage where there are lots of clothes and clutter. But I am moving very sluggishly, can hardly take a step, and am trying to pull on the racks of clothes to move a few inches forward. I am aiming for a door (a few steps up, looks rather like the steps in the back room of the kitchen to the stage of the front of the church of my youth) when I feel that surely I am doomed, that the monster will ‘get’ me. 

All of a sudden it occurs to me that God is the One who will protect me, that I need to rely on God to save me in whatever situation (and this one seems life-threatening); thinking, oh yah, when in trouble, cry out to God’!

So, I do, saying “this one’s yours God - I’m going nowhere.” 

And then I wake up. I journal the following.

November 8, 1998

Praise you Lord for the gift of love that you’re penetrating my subconscious while dreaming. It seems to me that you care enough to use my dreams to speak to some of my fears that I can hardly acknowledge while awake. Praise You, for again giving me a picture that You will do it and do it all! There is no salvation in myself, my efforts are nothing, get me nowhere, in fact, may only keep me in danger.

In the midst of feeling like a failure, I’m wishing for some sort of success or “normal,” I think, in my recording of this quote in mid-November.

November 13, 1998

To laugh often and much

win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children

earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure betrayal of false friends

appreciate beauty, to find the best in others
leave the world a bit better 

        whether by a healthy child, 

        a garden patch, 

        or a redeemed social condition

know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.                                                             

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

But Gregg’s and my “normal” doesn’t often include laughter or seeming success. We discuss, argue, talk until we mostly understand each other; we hold each other, we express our regrets. 

We assert we’ll get though the pain.

November 16, 1998

After church and lunch, Gregg and I laid in bed a short while together holding each other (after talking through some more of my stuff with his parents, I expressed, through tears, that he's turned my world upside down....every day, several times a day, I think of the affair and deal with much pain).

I wonder if I'm really want he wants, if I should change, I wonder who he is and if I even know him anymore.

He expressed that every day he also thinks of the pain he's caused and he hurts and wishes he could undo it and wishes that he'd never have done it. When he expresses his sorrow like that, I do really feel for him too - it's tough dealing with the consequences... his kids, like me, think maybe he really doesn't care all that much about us, if he was willing to risk it all for some 'momentary' pleasure. 

Gregg said that sometimes he thinks it'd be kinder to us all if he just left - we wouldn't have the continual pain of dealing with seeing him and thinking of his past choices if he was out of the picture. 

I said that that would be far worse - that yes, there is pain with seeing him and thinking of him with her - but that for him to leave me and the kids would be devastating and would send a message of abandonment and rejection that he wouldn't want to convey. 

We'll get through the pain and make it all work. We do love each other much.

“We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain.”

-Alan Watts

There is a good day or two sprinkled in. On my birthday I feel appreciated and loved, and am much aware of people being thoughtful, including – and especially – Gregg. 

This husband of mine can give some great gifts.

November 22, 1998

Gregg gave me a couple of symbolic gifts that so touched me. Besides the usual French mints, he gave me a book, and a video (Pretty Woman) for which I got his intended meaning - that he wants to be my 'Prince Charming' again and give all of himself. AND he gave me a print of Norman Rockwell's 'A Marriage License' that matches the figurine and a plate of the same image we got for our wedding. The kids broke the plate years ago playing ball in our bedroom, but we've had the figurine in our bedroom since day one. His giving me the print says 'I really do want to make good on my promise, please give me another chance.' 

I nearly gasp when I see the print, and then tear up. I go to him and let him hold me, all while the kids are watching.