Chapter 68 [PART III: 2022 "I am here to be here." - Peter Mattiessen]

 Chapter 68 - YES

If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished? – Rumi

I park in front of the North Shore villa entrance, excited to begin my personal retreat days, noticing feelings of gnawing stomach after crunching too many Cheetos to stay alert while driving and a full bladder resulting from no stops during the 5 hours since leaving home. I am calculating the number of minutes – 50 – before needing to facilitate a Women-In-Recovery enneagram book discussion via zoom. First stop is to squat just right of front door to find the hedgehog key holder to retrieve passage inside. But to no avail: I cannot find hedgehog or key among the rocks right of doorway or along the adjacent walkway or by the back door. I check email and text for exact key location description: “to the right of the door among the ivy.” I’m not seeing any ground ivy but maybe she meant the sprawling spruce branches? I text and email and phone my host – no response. I look some more, lifting rocks and branches, searching the other side of the walkway, opening storage door to left of doorway, checking near outdoor shelves. No key.

I notice that I’m not panicking (after all I have a few minutes margin); I consider my options if I’m locked out. Shelter in the car? No, I can pay for lodging somewhere nearby. Notify book group organizer? Yes, I can do that, I have her email and a phone connection. I sense slight urgency within as the clock ticks to 5:50p. I text again, leave another phone voice message. 

My host calls back! 

Turns out, the hedgehog holding the key is at her Twin Cities house! I mistakenly assumed that it was at the villa. She calls the villa guest services and they make (or have) another key for me to use. Yay, entrance gained, with a few minutes to spare.

I was aware of a measure of internal unease lurking as the time ticked toward my approaching zoom meeting; I also sensed a calm acceptance of “what it is” rather than too-familiar resistance, especially as compared with a decade or so ago. Que sera sera from a familiar childhood song came to mind “whatever will be, will be.”

This outlook is a change in me, one that I welcome and hope to nurture.

Do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come? - Rumi

The following morning, rain rather than sun heralded the new day: so there was no beautiful sunrise, no dancing sun rays on lake top, no trekking the trails. AND (rather than BUT) there was yes to sounds of rain patter, yes to sight of mesmerizing raindrop prickles hopping on gentle wavy lake surface, yes to smell of earthy moistness, yes to cozying up in blanket wrap.