Chapter 70: Accepting and Appreciating

 For a decade I’ve been writing emails that mention my desire to embrace acceptance: of myself, of others, of what is.  It is a life-long lesson for me, this acceptance business.

Try not to resist the changes that come your way. 

Instead, let life live through you. – Rumi

Genuine acceptance invites reality without resistance.

 

“There is no controlling life 

try corralling a lightning bolt, containing a tornado. 

Dam a stream and it will create a new channel. 

Resist, and the tide will sweep you off your feet. 

Allow, and grace will carry you to higher ground. 

The only safety lies in letting it all in – the wild with the weak, fear, fantasies, failures, and success. 

When loss rips off the doors of the heart, 

or sadness veils your vision with despair, 

practice becomes simply bearing the truth. 

In the choice to let go of your known way of being  

the whole world is revealed to your new eyes.” – Danna Faulds

“Between clinging and letting go, I feel a terrific struggle… let go, to “win my life by losing it,” which means not recklessness but acceptance, not passivity, but nonattachment… Yet I feel calm, and ready to accept whatever comes and therefore happy… 

acceptance which is not fatalism but a deep trust in life.” – Peter Mattiesen, The Snow Leopard

So also is appreciation a life-long lesson and desire. Rereading correspondence from the past, I marvel at Reb’s words shared with me in 2016 in her "agua dulce" email: words she wrote in 2012, while sitting beside our beloved Lake Superior and reflecting on her summer. I am writing this while also sitting by the great lake. I was reminded of the words Reb passed along -- repeating a sentiment of her hippie friends in Tulum: “the universe will give you what you need” -- when reading this Richard Rohr quote in this past early September 2022 week:

"More and more we sense that Someone Else is for us, more than we are for ourselves. 

All we can do is get out of the way. 

We realize that this is a radically benevolent universe, and it is on our side..." - Richard Rohr

I repeat some of Rebekah’s beautifully written, insightful, epic words; they reflect my heart as well:

"I do know that part of me stepped back into the light while I whittled away my days in Tulum, a part of me that helps me see beauty and accept love and be truly grateful as opposed to feeling guilty about my privilege…

…I feel grounded by the acceptance that I'll probably never be totally certain about many things and that doesn't mean I can't be happy and productive and loving.

Today as I relish the sun and the waves and this stunning afternoon, I'm pondering the undeserved abundance I've been offered - of love from my family, of opportunities from society, of 'agua dulce' as far as I can see, of mystery that continually laps up along this jagged shoreline.

Today as I sit along the shore of this lake that feels like an ocean, this lake that I love, I can hardly believe this life is mine." 

– Rebekah Menning

 

I too have “undeserved abundance” and I want to embrace and enjoy this life that is mine. 

Chapter 69: God IS

God is “the breath inside the breath.” – Kabir

In September 2022 I am on my first solo retreat in a dozen years, writing some of my “story” after a nearly six-year hiatus of reflection-writing since Mom’s death. Settled into soft chair, encased in blanket, holding warm mug, enchanted by pitter-patter on one day and lake-surface-light sparkles on another – I get to reflect. 

What has happened, what is happening within? What is different now from then, a half dozen years and more ago. 

For sure, my concept of God has morphed significantly. Among my collection of quotes are:

“God is Being Itself” – Franciscan John Duns and Dominican Thomas Aquinas

 

“God is a pure no-thing  

concealed in the now and here 

the less you reach for God 

the more fully God will appear 

God is my final end  

does God from me evolve 

then God grows out of me  

while I in God dissolves.”  

 – Angelus Silesius

 “the soul of the whole; the wise silence; the universal beauty, to which every part and particle is equally related, the eternal ONE…” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“God is at least the set of forces that created and sustain the universe…” – Mike McHargue

God is “all over the place. God is up there, down here, inside my skin and out. God is the web, the energy, the space, the light – not captured in them as if any of those concepts were more real than what unites them – but revealed in the singular, vast nets of relationship that animates everything that is… 

God is the unity, the very intelligence, the very elegance and passion that make it all go…” – Barbara Brown Taylor

“God is not what you think or even what you believe because God is a word unspoken  

a thought unthought  

a belief unbelieved.  

So if you want to know this God, practice wonder. 

Do what is good, and cultivate silence, the rest will follow.” 

– Meister Eckhart

“God co-inheres and interpenetrates everything... God is creation itself, endlessly outpouring, endlessly receiving itself back.” – Cynthia Bourgeault, speaking of Thomas Keating's understandings

Maybe a few words here toward the middle about who and what Jesus Christ might be:

Jesus is “at least a man so connected to God that He was called the Son of God” – Mike McHargue (my note: Jesus never refers to himself as Son of God, only as the son of man); 

“Christ is the name for the very shape and meaning of the universe. Jesus reveals this wonderful message in human form, showing us the full meaning of our own lives – in a way that we could love and admire.” – Richard Rohr

God is 

a field of cosmic consciousness, born as a universe, interbeing, 

ground of being (Paul Tillich), 

“True Being of all beings” (Rami Shapiro), 

I AM (Exodus 3:14), 

essence of life, luminous vastness…more intimate to me than I am to myself (Augustine of Hippo), 

incomprehensible to the intellect (Cloud of Unknowing), 

transcendent and immanent, ultimate reality, reality with a face (Rohr), 

known by diverse names, disguised as our life (Paula D’Arcy), 

inherent Goodness (Rohr), 

an insistent and persistent love, 

Oma love, 

“life power itself, the power of love itself” (John Shelby Spong).

  “in God all things hold together” Colossians 1:17       

“in God we live and move and have our being” Acts 17:28       

“My deepest me is God” – St Catherine of Genoa (1447-1510)

On the note of recognizing the goodness and god within, I wish for movement toward self love, compassion, acceptance. 

Chapter 68 [PART III: 2022 "I am here to be here." - Peter Mattiessen]

 Chapter 68 - YES

If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished? – Rumi

I park in front of the North Shore villa entrance, excited to begin my personal retreat days, noticing feelings of gnawing stomach after crunching too many Cheetos to stay alert while driving and a full bladder resulting from no stops during the 5 hours since leaving home. I am calculating the number of minutes – 50 – before needing to facilitate a Women-In-Recovery enneagram book discussion via zoom. First stop is to squat just right of front door to find the hedgehog key holder to retrieve passage inside. But to no avail: I cannot find hedgehog or key among the rocks right of doorway or along the adjacent walkway or by the back door. I check email and text for exact key location description: “to the right of the door among the ivy.” I’m not seeing any ground ivy but maybe she meant the sprawling spruce branches? I text and email and phone my host – no response. I look some more, lifting rocks and branches, searching the other side of the walkway, opening storage door to left of doorway, checking near outdoor shelves. No key.

I notice that I’m not panicking (after all I have a few minutes margin); I consider my options if I’m locked out. Shelter in the car? No, I can pay for lodging somewhere nearby. Notify book group organizer? Yes, I can do that, I have her email and a phone connection. I sense slight urgency within as the clock ticks to 5:50p. I text again, leave another phone voice message. 

My host calls back! 

Turns out, the hedgehog holding the key is at her Twin Cities house! I mistakenly assumed that it was at the villa. She calls the villa guest services and they make (or have) another key for me to use. Yay, entrance gained, with a few minutes to spare.

I was aware of a measure of internal unease lurking as the time ticked toward my approaching zoom meeting; I also sensed a calm acceptance of “what it is” rather than too-familiar resistance, especially as compared with a decade or so ago. Que sera sera from a familiar childhood song came to mind “whatever will be, will be.”

This outlook is a change in me, one that I welcome and hope to nurture.

Do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come? - Rumi

The following morning, rain rather than sun heralded the new day: so there was no beautiful sunrise, no dancing sun rays on lake top, no trekking the trails. AND (rather than BUT) there was yes to sounds of rain patter, yes to sight of mesmerizing raindrop prickles hopping on gentle wavy lake surface, yes to smell of earthy moistness, yes to cozying up in blanket wrap.

Chapter 67. Love

I’ve learned that the heart is an ocean, endless and deep. It accepts both darkness and light.

It is strong. It expands, holding more than anyone would ever choose for it to carry. 
And it keeps going, because that's what it's meant to do...

My heart is an ocean, and I am a warrior.

– Kristin Bergsagel Bauck

One of my favorite memories of nearly 20 years of teaching childbirth education was when one husband described the mother of his child while she labored; he said, “My wife is a warrior!”

We can be warriors, as needed. We all keep going.

During my recent reading of The Nightengale - a story of two adult sisters who witnessed atrocities during the WWII German occupation of France and who chose to participate in the resistance - the last three short sentences jump out at me:

“Wounds heal. Love lasts. We remain.”

Even in the midst of anguish, frustration, and great pain, we go on. 

We remain, and we can choose to be present.

Maybe being present is much of what’s needed to be real.

In some ways my dad, though often distant from us kids emotionally, was a good example of being present and real. 

Dad said it like he saw it, and often did it like he wanted. 

 - With his wry sense of humor: he'd sport a t-shirt saying “Not only am I perfect, I’m Norwegian too!” (1998 pic); he'd say often at the end of his work day "Poor George, poor, poor, George." 

George & Adeline with the grandkids 1996

 - When his kids were little he gave us foot rides (both the kind where we sat on his foot and he'd drag us around skimming the floor, and the kind where we'd airplane-spread balance with our tummy planted on his two feet lifted toward the ceiling while he lay on his back getting a good ab workout and giving us kids a thrill!). 

 - He had darker edges too: grudges held, bitterness expressed, derogatory comments made about nurses (which was my chosen profession at the time, so I let it wound me). 

 - But Dad made the most of his moments: traveling as much as he did -- before retirement, thank goodness, because if he'd have waited there would have been no traveling -- even when funds were hardly available. He took us kids to Europe for a final trip in December 1998 to January 1999 – one last trip doing what he loved and being with those he loved.

I can learn from that real-ness. In my life, in this space where I remain, my invitation to be real and present  translates into accepting what is and choosing to live in love.

In this time when I don’t truly know what is dark or what is light, it does seem to me that “darkness is as light” might refer, rather mysteriously, to the presence of LOVE in all. If LOVE is all present (and I believe LOVE is always accessible and available) then LOVE is in both of what I might perceive as dark and/or what I might perceive as light. Dark and light are not different when LOVE is present.

In any situation redemptive light and love can be present.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

– Martin Luther King

Love is the very physical structure of the universe, driving all things toward union, attraction, and cosmic sympathy…

We are born out of love, we exist in love and we are destined for eternal love. . .

It is time to reinvent ourselves in love."

- Teilhard de Chardin, French Jesuit priest and paleontologist (1881-1955)

Love lasts. Love is all. “God is love” (I John 4:8). The Spirit of God is poured into our hearts as Love (Romans 5:5). We are destined for eternal love.

These are wonderfully ethereal and lofty ideas. 

May we also realistically attempt to apply to the everyday mundane?

Might I add that my attempts to love often are full of self? 
That love is rocky? 
Sometimes even devastating? 

And also worth it?

2017 is when I’m finally wrapping up this story. In February I listen to a Kristen Tippet podcast (aired Feb 9) that is an interview with Alain de Botton, entitled “The True Hard Work of Love and Relationships.” Both grounding and encouraging is how I hear these words, that jive with my lived experience, and are good reminders.

“My view of what one should talk about on a first date is not showing off and not putting forward one’s accomplishments, but almost quite the opposite. One should say, 
“Well, how are you crazy? I’m crazy like this.” 
There should be a mutual acceptance that two damaged people are trying to get together…

So, the acceptance of ourselves as flawed creatures seems to me what love really is. Love is at its most necessary when we are weak, when we feel incomplete, and we must show love to one another at those points. So we’ve got these two contrasting stories, and we get them muddled…

Love is something we have to learn, and we can make progress with, and that it’s not just an enthusiasm; it’s a skill.

It requires forbearance, generosity, imagination, and a million things besides. 
And we must fiercely resist the idea that true love must mean conflict-free love, that the course of true love is smooth. 
It’s not. 
The course of true love is rocky and bumpy at the best of times. 
That’s the best we can manage as the creatures we are. 
It’s no fault of mine or no fault of yours; it’s to do with being human. 
And the more generous we can be towards that flawed humanity, the better chance we’ll have of doing the true hard work of love.”

-  Alain de Botton

Love is realistic, and ridiculously hard work. And, I’ll say it again, it is worth the work! I am forever grateful to do this love work and  dance with Gregg, and that he is willing to do it with me!

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

-Anais Nin, writer (21 Feb 1903-1977)

Of course, this work of loving extends to kids, parents, siblings, friends, acquaintances, the world. What a privilege it is to have people to love, and risk blossoming as we engage in loving each other.

I asked my mom and I ask myself: how do I want to be remembered?

I want to be remembered as one who lived love – who could both receive and offer love. One who kept attempting to love in the midst of her craziness.

I am well aware of how imperfectly I’ve loved. Of how imperfect I am.

I am human.

I am real.

I don’t know diddly-squat.

What I do know is that I want to be about love. 

That I want to be someone who keeps reinventing herself in love. Who is a being of LIGHT and LOVE.

our clan, December 2016

We’re all like localized vibrations of the infinite goodness of God’s presence.

So love is our very nature.

Love is our first, middle, and last name.

Love is all; not [love as] sentimentality, but love that is self-forgetful and free of self-interest.

– Thomas Keating

Chapter 66. Companions

Card from George to Adeline

“Your task is not to seek for love, 

but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself 

that you have built against it.” 

- Jalaluddin Rumi

I’m more aware now than ever that I didn’t know my dad and mom well. Going through Mom’s possessions as we clear out her hope chest and home in September 2016, we find love letters from Dad, and other special mementoes. I get a glimpse into different dynamics in their relationship, and unknown sides of their persons.

·         Items in the boxes in the garage exposed that as a tween Mom garnished a Yellow Medicine County Fair “First Premium” award at age 13 for her penmanship; that in high school Mom took a shorthand course, earned a journalism pin (she did always enjoy reading newspapers), and was interested in politics and people.

"There is a difference"

     In his late teens and early 20s Dad earned a certificate in produce operation, admired Billy Graham’s ability to preach and draw crowds, enjoyed the challenge of investment as he raised chinchillas. Years later his entrepreneurialism showed up as he entered into retail pharmacy with the purchase and remodel of Storm Lake Drug in the late 1960s and early 1970s, as he took on the distributorship of Icy Hot in 1975, and as he ventured into being the local pharmacist for the rural small towns of Alta and Aurelia. Dad had an edgy sense of humor, as evidenced by advertising slogans of “Let George do it” and a picture on the back of a Honsbruch Drug bowling shirt showing two children looking into their pants (Dad would say "booksas") and captioned “There is a difference.”

Adeline & George, in love

·         Love letters reveal deep affection between Mom and Dad, that I never got to witness. It makes some sense that I didn’t: they were many years into knowing each other before I became aware of relational dynamics, with lots of “water under the bridge.” My 14-year-old self has a vivid memory of an instance of relational difficulty. My sister Cindy and I were awakened from our Erie Street house basement bedrooms by Mom's yelling in the late night. We followed the sound upstairs and went into their bedroom. Mom was crying and loudly accusing Dad of infidelity, and threatening to leave him and take us kids away. Dad was lying in bed rather expressionlessly, saying nothing. Maybe he defended himself and I just don't recall? I was traumatized by the idea of mom leaving and family breakup, and fearful for many months.

·         The letters also expose insecurity on mom’s part, apologies on dad’s part –“I’m sorry I made you unhappy - I didn’t mean to. I wouldn’t hurt you for anything, honey.” Maybe that dynamic is not so unfamiliar to what I knew of mom and dad, and of women and men in general?

·         Travel pics, Christmas cards, evidences of fun at dances and card clubs divulge that they had and enjoyed their many friends.

On the 2^nd day of October 2016, upon making my last trip to load the car after a weekend alone at Mom’s house -- consisting of late nights and a long Saturday -- intensely sorting thousands of pictures, I glance again at the boxes remaining in the garage that need a going through and see more envelopes of pictures! 

Shoot – I thought I made it through the many piles of pictures. At the end of my energy I’m still curious and pull the box down to learn how many more picture packages remain. In culling through the box contents I spy an olive green leather-bound “Mile Stones, A Five Year Diary.” Thankfully, though latched it is not locked. 

Adeline, at home on the Just farm, 1953 or so

I bring the diary home and begin reading its contents. Especially during Mom’s 1953-1954 senior year of high school, that included the days when Mom and Dad became interested in each other, I am privileged to enter into the heart of young love.

Tender love is a facet of Mom that I hadn’t experienced previously, at least not often. I share a few sentences, not to invade her privacy, but to reveal the sentiments that all of us have had at some time, and to rejoice together in our common desire to connect deeply.

Only connect.  

- E.M. Forrster

George, freshman, St. Olaf College, 1951

A bit of context: Dad graduated from high school in 1951, went to St. Olaf College for the 1951-1952 academic year, and either didn’t think college had much to teach him or didn’t know what he wanted to pursue, so he didn't go back to St. Olaf after that freshman college year. Rather, at the time of Mom writing in her diary during fall of 1953, Dad/George had been working in Clarkfield for over a year at the family produce business, operating the reels at a local movie theater, painting, and driving bus (including Mom’s bus from farm to school). 

Some excerpts from Mom's diary:

-          Nov 20, 1953 – “I sat in a booth with George Appleseth and he asked me to dance. Had a wonderful time. He asked to take me home. He put his arms around me as soon as we left Monte. Oh his kisses are ideal. Oh do I like him. I’ve always wanted to go out with him.”

-          Nov 26, Thursday, Thanksgiving – “Thought a lot of George, but more of Carl I’m sure.”

-          Nov 29, Sunday – “Alfred came and asked me for a date. I was a fool to go but I did. Ate lunch alongside of Carl. How I wish I could go with him again. Oh, I don’t like Alfred.”

-          Nov 30, Monday – “Evening went to bed thinking of George. Oh I really really like him. I think of him and Carl and I can’t think straight.”

-          Dec 1, Tuesday – “Another day at school. All perfect especially since George is driving the bus. George asked me for a date for the evening. Rosella, Curt, George and I went to Dawson to the show “Houdini.” Was good – had a very good time with George. Made me mad he didn’t make another date again. Well will have to wait I suppose.”

Curt & Rosie, George?, Opal, Adeline

-          Dec 2, Wednesday – “George was teasing about how hard it was for him to get up. I sure think he’s wonderful.”

-          Dec 6, Sunday – “George called and asked if I wanted to go to the show in Marshall. Of course I said yes. Sure had a wonderful time. He made a date for Wednesday.”

-          Dec 7, Monday – “We sure have fun together. I really like him… Wonder what George is doing.”

-          Dec 8, Tuesday – “Didn’t get to see George all day. Miss him so.”

-          Dec 25, Friday – “George went to church with me. Had dinner here. Fooled around all afternoon, and evening we went to show in Monte. Had lots of fun. Am dreaming over my cashmere sweater from George, pink, beautiful. I love George so much. He asked me to marry him. I said yes.”

-          Dec 30, Wednesday – Evening George called about 7:30 and we went to Walt’s. Met his folks, watched TV, went home. George, I love him so much. Wish we could get married soon. We talked about our family, etc. Oh will it be fun to live with George.”

-          Dec 31, Thursday – “Carl doesn’t mean much to me anymore. I love George so much. Evening he came out at 7:30 and we went to church. After church we went to Opal and Donnie’s (watch TV and sure had fun). George’s resolution is to marry me. I love him madly. He kissed me at twelve and wished me a happy new year.”

-          Jan 30, 1954, Saturday – Evening George and I went to Monte saw “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” it stunk – course there is always my dearest darling to love.”

-          Jan 31, Sunday – “Evening the folks went to Monte, us girls skating. Sure had a good time as I made out with Carl. Oh well, I’d better leave him alone… I love George too much. Oh George I love you.”

-          Feb 3, Wednesday – “Didn’t get to see George today. I love him so much and wish I could be with him all the time. Wish we could get married now. I’d love a home and children with George around. George I love you darling, forever.”

Before she landed on her “Mr. Right” she was certainly open to -– even looking for -– relationship (I count seven different guys mentioned in a bit over a month’s span; some of them were talked about also in the months preceding the fall recordings below). 

Another treasure found in Mom’s belongings is an index card that records dates with guys (not even including George): a total of 203 over her high school years. A seemingly especially open time was late September into early November of 1953, in the days surrounding her 17^th birthday:

-          Sept 25 – “So happy today about Freddy. Oh I like him. The more I think the more I dislike Carl – Oh I think I love Freddy. Oh, he’s wonderful. I sure hope things turn out like I want them too.”

-          Oct 2 – “Vernon took us. Had a good time dancing with him but had more fun afterwards with him. He sure is a swell guy. Talked about everything imaginable.”

-          Oct 8 – “Arlen asked if I would go out with him. I still like him but it’s not the same. He sure gave me heck about Carl.”

-          Oct 10 – “I still like Freddy but I’m going to try to forget him.”

-          Oct 19 – “I sure like him (Dick) today…”

-          Oct 21 – “Sure had fun with Dick… sure like Carl yet, but I think Dick so blame nice.”

-          Nov 8 – “Leon asked me for a date for the evening, I said yes. I sure had a wonderful time with him…”

Her diary exposed other emotions as well: numerous statements of “did she ever make me mad” and a few I hates, e.g., “I hate Sig like everything.”

I’m a little perplexed: somehow I internalized messages of “never feel or express hate” and “it’s not okay to be mad.” 

Above all, be nice. 

Did those messages come from Mom or from somewhere else? Maybe from “society,” maybe from Mom? If those “be nice” messages came from Mom, possibly it was because she was more mature and had learned a level of emotional control by the time I was old enough to receive her maternal instructions, or because she needed to have us kids keep our feelings in tow? In any case, as a teen it seems she had access to those ‘negative’ sentiments, or at the least expressed them in her personal safe space of diary.

I hope that telling this story of mine may be a kind of peering into my life’s “diary” and possibly gift to my kids – as a permission to let them see into parts of my life that they maybe haven’t yet been privy to because I haven’t shared much of some aspects of self.

Most especially I haven’t easily revealed my darker side of anger and resentments, indulgences and indignities. But those aspects are also me. They are part of the real me.

I’m tempted to berate myself for not embracing the qualities of my parents that I found difficult: that I have labeled as critical or aloof and unavailable. 

I wish that I could have, while mom or dad was living, reframed and understood the qualities as other than harmful. I read that enneagram Ones need to let go of remorse and instead follow a path of self-forgiveness and acceptance of reality as it is, rather than criticizing or trying to improve it. So I will do that. I will forgive and accept, especially me. I can choose to see the good in me, and that enables me to see the good in all the people around me.

I see the good in Gregg too. At the start of our love relationship, for sure; now in our many years together, for sure; but even also in the midst of our storm – I had good reason to stay. He is a good man who works diligently, cares greatly, loves deeply -- at his work place, with family, in our relationship. 

He and I have weathered difficulties and come out the other side, recognizing the valuable in each other and the gems in our everyday. Of course, we still have disagreements and stuff to work through. But overall, we do well together. We call ourselves true companions (“our” songs include Phil Collin’s “Groovy Kind of Love” and Marc Cohn’s “True Companion”), and we are hugely appreciative to be able to cultivate good and find whatever is lovely, together.

If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams
and you will always look lovely. 

– Roald Dahl